A Little Priest Lyrics

(Performed by Michael Cerveris, George Hearn, Patti LuPone)

[Patti LuPone:] Seems a downright shame...
[George Hearn:] Shame?
[Patti LuPone:]
Seems an awful waste...
Such a nice, plump frame
Wot's 'is name has...
Had...
Has!
Nor it can't be traced...
Bus'ness needs a lift,
Debts to be erased...
Think of it as thrift,
As a gift,
If you get my drift!
No?
Seems an awful waste...
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is,
When you get it,
If you get it...

[George Hearn and Michael Cerveris:] HAH!
[Patti LuPone:]
Good, you got it!
Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!
Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast!
And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!

[Michael Cerveris:] Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion
[Patti LuPone:] Well, it does seem a waste...

[Michael Cerveris:] Eminently practical and yet appropriate as always!
[Patti LuPone:] It's an idea...

[George Hearn:]
Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived
Without you all these years, I'll never know!
How delectable!
Also undetectable!
[Patti LuPone:]
Think about it!
Lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be comin' for a shave,
Won't they?
Think of
All them
Pies!

[George Hearn:] How choice! How rare!

[George Hearn:] For what's the sound of the world out there?
[Patti LuPone:]
What, Mr. Todd?
What, Mr. Todd?
What is that sound?
[George Hearn:] Those crunching noises pervading the air!
[Patti LuPone:]
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, all around!
[George Hearn:] It's man devouring man, my dear!
[BOTH:] And who are we to deny it in here?

[George Hearn:] (spoken) These are desperate times,
Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!
[Patti LuPone:] Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!
[George Hearn:] What is that?

[Patti LuPone:] It's priest. Have a little priest.
[George Hearn:] Is it really good?
[Patti LuPone:]
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,
So it's pretty fresh.
[George Hearn:] Awful lot of fat.
[Patti LuPone:] Only where it sat.
[George Hearn:] Haven't you got poet, or something like that?
[Patti LuPone:]
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!

[George Hearn:] (spoken) Heavenly!
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,
but then again, not as bland as curate, either!

[Patti LuPone:]
And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!

Lawyer's rather nice.
[Michael Cerveris:]
If it's for a price.
[Patti LuPone:]
Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow it twice!
[Michael Cerveris:] Anything that's lean.
[Patti LuPone:]
Well, then, if you're British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine!
Anyway, it's clean.
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!
[George Hearn:] Is that squire, on the fire?
[Patti LuPone:]
Mercy no, sir, look closer,
You'll notice it's grocer!
[Michael Cerveris:] Looks thicker, more like vicar!
[Patti LuPone:] No, it has to be grocer --
It's green!

[Both:] The history of the world, my love --
[Patti LuPone:] Save a lot of graves, do a lot of relatives favors!
[George Hearn:] Is those below serving those up above!
[Patti LuPone:] Ev'rybody shaves, so there should be plenty of flavors!
[Michael Cerveris:] How gratifying for once to know
[BOTH:] That those above will serve those down below!

[Patti LuPone:] (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker.
[Michael Cerveris:] Something... pinker.
[Patti LuPone:] Tailor?
[George Hearn:] Paler.
[Patti LuPone:] Butler?
[Michael Cerveris:] Subtler.
[Patti LuPone:] Potter?
[George Hearn:] Hotter.
[Patti LuPone:] Locksmith?

Lovely bit of clerk.
[Michael Cerveris:] Maybe for a lark.
[Patti LuPone:]
Then again there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark!
Try the financier,
Peak of his career!
[George Hearn:] That looks pretty rank.
[Patti LuPone:]
Well, he drank,
It's a bank
Cashier.
Never really sold.
Maybe it was old.
[Michael Cerveris:] Have you any Beadle?
[Patti LuPone:]
Next week, so I'm told!
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it's been greased...
Stick to priest!

(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,
but then of course it's... fiddle player!
[George Hearn:] No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player!
[Patti LuPone:] 'Ow can you tell?
[George Hearn:] It's piping hot!
[Patti LuPone:] Then blow on it first!

[Michael Cerveris:] The history of the world, my sweet --
[Patti LuPone:]
Oh, Mr. Todd,
Ooh, Mr. Todd,
What does it tell?
[George Hearn:] Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!
[Patti LuPone:]
And, Mr. Todd,
Too, Mr. Todd,
Who gets to sell!
[Michael Cerveris:] But fortunately, it's also clear
[BOTH:] That ev'rybody goes down well with beer!

[Patti LuPone:](spoken) Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral?
[Michael Cerveris:] Too salty. I prefer general.
[Patti LuPone:] With, or without his privates? "With" is extra.

[Michael Cerveris:] What is that?
[Patti LuPone:]
It's fop.
Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I've just begun --
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily,
Have one!
[George Hearn:] Put it on a bun. Well, you never know if it's going to run!
[Patti LuPone:] Try the friar, fried, it's drier!
[Michael Cerveris:]
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!
[Patti LuPone:] Then actor, that's compacter!
[Michael Cerveris and George Hearn:]
Yes, and always arrives overdone!
I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!

[Patti LuPone:] (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,
but we've got something you might fancy even better.
[George Hearn:] What's that?
[Patti LuPone:] Executioner!

[George Hearn:] Have charity towards the world, my pet!
[Patti LuPone:] Yes, yes, I know, my love!
[Michael Cerveris:] We'll take the customers that we can get!
[Patti LuPone:] High-born and low, my love!
[George Hearn:]
We'll not discriminate great from small!
No, we'll serve anyone, meaning anyone,
[BOTH:] And to anyone At all!