Stellaria Album Lyrics by Chelsea Cutler

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Something More

Until the red goes blue
Until the downpour ends
You will find me, throwing up my arms
Asking the heavens to make me whole again
'Til the lights go on
Until I feel my chest
I'll be running from who I'm becoming
With all of the monsters in my head

'Cause I need something more
Something more than this
Yeah, I need something more
Something more than this

Until my heart beats slow
Until my mind won't race
Until the story that I tell myself
Can figure out the ending another way
'Cause broken down people turn into the strongest
So make me more good and more patient and honest
And save me, can somebody take me?
Show me that there really is a higher place

'Cause I need something more
Something more than this
Yeah, I need something more
Something more than this

It'll all make sense (it'll all make sense)
I'll be home again
Yeah, there must be something more
Something more than this

I need to know that it gets better
I need to know that I'll be alright
I need to know that it gets better
I need to know that I'll be alright

'Cause I need something more
Something more than this
Yeah, I need something more
Something more than this

It'll all make sense (it'll all make sense)
I'll be home again
Yeah, there must be something more
Something more than this

Ooh, I need to know that it gets better
Ooh, I need to know that I'll be alright
Ooh, I need to know that it gets better
Ooh, I need to know that I'll be alright

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Growing Up Is Hard

Threw a mattress on the floor and made a home out of a dorm room
She got a credit card in her name to buy what she couldn't afford to
And now she's eighteen, she can barely eat and barely drive
Mind racing, what's the meaning of being alive?
I don't blame her for not doing anything she was supposed to

So much for the young and free
I know that you feel confused
I'm sorry that it hurt so much
Growing up is hard to do
You'll always be a part of me
Swear I'll take better care of you
I'm sorry that it hurt so much
Growing up is hard to do
Hard to do

Rubbing drugs into your gums to prove to your friends that
You're a good time 'til you're crying in the stairwell
Holding your hair back, wishing you had kept your body to yourself
Can't forget the way it felt

So much for the young and free
I know that you feel confused
I'm sorry that it hurt so much
Growing up is hard to do
You'll always be a part of me
Swear I'll take better care of you
I'm sorry that it hurt so much
Growing up is hard to do
Hard to do

You drank yourself dizzy
Held in all your secrets
Took off running naked with a handle in your arms
Woke up in a fever
Sweating out your bad decisions
Couldn't even see straight, but you still got in the car
You tried to be the cool girl
You know the way that boys are
You just wanna talk but it's your body that he counts
It's snowing up in Amherst
You don't feel a damn thing
Everything's a mess when you got nothing figured out

You'll always be a part of me
Swear I'll take better care of you
I'm sorry that it hurt so much
Growing up is hard

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I Don't Feel Alive

Skin and bones, stomach aches
Lucid dreams, hold my breath when I'm wide awake
Connecticut, dissociate
Maybe I should buy a house in a town upstate

If I could, I'd wake myself up
When I am somebody that I'm proud of

I'm getting undressed for my lover
And praying she don't hate all my skin like I do
I'm reading books and drinking coffee
Stepping on a scale I keep in the bathroom
The water goes downhill, and still
I swim against the current with two arms that cannot fly
And I don't feel alive
No, I don't feel alive

Telehealth, TV episodes
Swallow seeds, but the fruit never seems to grow
Validate what I know
What I believe in and everywhere I wanna go

If I could, I'd wake myself up
When I am somebody that I'm proud of

I'm paying three different psychologists
Trying to remember who I told what story to
I'm writing feelings in a journal
'Cause that's what people who have their shit together seem to do
The water goes downhill, and still
I swim against the current with two arms that cannot fly
And I don't feel alive
No, I don't feel alive

I keep coming up for air
And ending up with water in my
I keep coming up for air
And ending up with water in my lungs

I'm learning how to set my boundaries
How to have compassion for myself and for my mind
I'm turning off my f*ckin' cell phone
And trying to have honest conversations in real life
The water goes downhill, and still
I swim against the current with two arms that cannot fly
And I don't feel alive
No, I don't feel alive (I don't feel alive, oh no)

I keep coming up for air
And ending up with water in my
I keep coming up for air
And ending up with water in my (and I don't feel alive)
I keep coming up for air (no, I don't feel alive)
And ending up with water in my (and I don't feel alive)
I keep coming up for air (no, I don't feel alive)
And ending up with water in my lungs

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Men On The Moon

We put men on the moon
But I still don't know how to get to you
And now all I can do
Is wait for you to come down, mm
We built weapons of war
But I'm out of bullets to fire
My temper is short
But I'm here giving up my ground

Ooh, it's only war if there's a winner
Ooh, it's only hell if there's a sinner
Ooh, and I'd do all the things we didn't
Ooh, 'cause I choose you
Yeah, I choose you

We put men on the moon
But I can't figure out what is missin'
And in every room
You're right in front of me
We find pictures in stars
But they're thousands of miles away, oh
And I'll give you my all
But you take and you take and you take

Ooh, it's only war if there's a winner
Ooh, it's only hell if there's a sinner
Ooh, and I'd do all the things we didn't
Ooh, 'cause I choose you
Yeah, I choose you
I do

I'm not the same as I was before
I'll go through the walls and kick down doors
No, I'm not the same as I was before
And I wouldn't hurt you anymore

(I'm not the same as I was before)
It's only war if there's a winner
(I'll go through the walls and kick down doors)
It's only hell if there's a sinner
(No, I'm not the same as I was before)
And I'd do all the things we didn't
(And I wouldn't hurt you anymore)
'Cause I choose you
Yeah, I choose you
I do

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Your Bones

Stars had to align and come together
All at once, I'd never be the same
Who knew life could change like this forever
The very second that you said my name?

Suddenly, I'm somebody I don't recognize
But I am so happy to be her
Suddenly, you're the only thing that's on my mind
But I am diving even deeper, deeper 'cause

I love you down to your bones
Naked and afraid, they tell me that's when you know
I feel you taking me home
Dusk until the dawn, you're where I wanna go

Compromise is something that I'm learning
Forever never made much sense to me
But the way you look at me like I deserve it
Is changing who I thought that I could be

Now, suddenly, I'm somebody I don't recognize
But I am so happy to be her
Suddenly, you're the only thing that's on my mind
But I am diving even deeper, deeper 'cause

I love you down to your bones
Naked and afraid, they tell me that's when you know
I feel you taking me home
Dusk until the dawn, you're where I wanna go

Ooh-ooh-ooh, you're where I wanna go
Ooh-ooh-ooh, you're where I wanna go
Ooh-ooh-ooh, you're where I wanna go
Ooh-ooh-ooh, you're where I wanna go

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Hunting Season

Patience is a virtue
But Heaven isn't for someone like me
And I would only hurt you
Standing on your shoulders in the deep

It's hunting season
Always all or nothing
My legs are so tired
How is anybody running?
Why the hell am I
So devoid of any meaning?
What is living for
If you don't know what to believe in?

It's been so hard for so long
It's been so hard for so long
Where did I go so damn wrong?
It's been so hard

The forest has a fire
But all it ever seems to do is rain (all it ever seems to do is rain)
And I wish I was lying
So you would never have to hold my weight (would never have to hold my weight)

It's hunting season
Heading into winter
Running from the gun
But it's my hand on the trigger
Why the hell am I
So afraid of going deeper?
I blame everybody
But the person in the mirror

It's been so hard for so long
It's been so hard for so long
Where did I go so damn wrong?
It's been so hard

I'm scared I'll always be this way
That people will not wanna stay
That I'll wake up forever hoping I just make it through the day
That I'll make myself smaller to fit someone else's version
That I'll lay down on my deathbed an unhappy f*cking person

It's hunting season
I don't have a weapon
I am at your mercy
I was just a freshman
Why the hell am I
Somewhere in between the crossfire?
I say that I'm fine
I have become such a good liar

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If Not Yours

What is love if you don't feel it when it walks out?
And your chest is caving in
Tread the line between the water and the high ground
And everywhere you've been

Cleanse me of everythin'
Wash away what I've done
'Cause I forget what I'm living for
Now that you're gone
So, tell me

How you're alright, how you're alright
While I'm seeing the whole world in hazel
How you're alright, how you're alright
While I'm here bleeding out on the table
Who am I alone? Where do broken people go?
'Cause I don't have a home anymore
I don't know what I am
I don't know what I am if not yours

Did you mean it when you said that you were happy?
That you're ready to let go
That your days are feeling lighter, thanks for asking
That the high was worth the low

Cleanse me of everythin'
Wash away what I've done
'Cause I forget what I'm living for
Now that you're gone
So, tell me

How you're alright, how you're alright
While I'm seeing the whole world in hazel
How you're alright, how you're alright
While I'm here bleeding out on the table
Who am I alone? Where do broken people go?
'Cause I don't have a home anymore
I don't know what I am (what I am)
I don't know what I am if not yours

If not yours
If not yours
If not yours
If not yours
(Give me something) If not yours
(Give me something) If not yours
(Give me something) If not yours
Just tell me

How you're alright, how you're alright
While I'm seeing the whole world in hazel (yeah)
How you're alright, how you're alright
While I'm here bleeding out on the table
Who am I alone? Where do broken people go?
'Cause I don't have a home anymore (anymore)
I don't know what I am (what I am)
I don't know what I am if not yours

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youre all I ever dreamed of

In the dark of a cold December evening
You would sleep and I'd listen to you breathing
And I'd watch as your eyes would slowly open
All at once, you had fixed all that I'd broken


I will confess, you will forgive
What did I do to deserve this?
You're all I ever dreamed of
And all I'll ever need
You're all that I imagined
In you, I do believe

Heaven starts at the door of this hotel room
Don't tell about me if I don't tell about you
I realized that you're all I wanna run to, mm
All at once, you changed everything that I knew

I will confess, you will forgive (Uh, uh)
What did I do to deserve this? (Uh)
You're all I ever dreamed of
And all I'll ever need
You're all that I imagined
In you, I do believe

In you, I do believe
In you, I do believe
In you, I do believe
In you, in you, I do believe, believe, yeah
You're all that I imagined
In you, I do believe

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Loved By You

How's it feel to get away from the people back east?
'Cause I still put your face on every person I see
Isn't it tragic how you're everywhere and nowhere all at once?
That's the magic of the storm, there is no warning when it comes
What do people like me have to do to feel a thing?
'Cause I can't take the Lexapro forever, I don't think
I can't believe I've got a lifetime left ahead of me to live
When it feels like I've given everything that I've got to give

For all I knew
You hung the stars in the sky
And I would've stayed in your arms through the morning
If you hadn't left in the night

How much longer will I miss you?
How much darker in my head?
How much more will it take for me to forgive you and forget?
All I want (ooh)
Is to be loved by you, loved by you
All I want (ooh)
Is to be loved by you, loved by you
Loved by you

Going through the motions of a motionless life
I fell asleep at twenty-three and woke up at twenty-five
Chasing illusions in your head becomes a dangerous road
I'm so afraid of losing myself that I ended up alone

For all I knew
You hung the stars in the sky
And I would've stayed in your arms through the morning
If you hadn't left in the night

How much longer will I miss you?
How much darker in my head? (I still feel the same)
How much more will it take for me to forgive you and forget?
All I want (ooh, to be loved by you)
Is to be loved by you, loved by you (to be loved by you)
All I want (ooh, to be loved by you)
Is to be loved by you, loved by you (to be loved by you)
Loved by

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You Don't Think About Me At All

Ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh

On the water, Santa Barbara
Had your lips between my teeth and your hands under my sleeves
Now I don't even know how you're paying your rent each month
Early flight out, you were lights out
We would drink away the nerves, hoped the other leaned in first
I was kissing your neck, now we don't even talk at all

Do you kiss her with your eyes closed?
Do you whisper when you get upset?
Do you still get a little nervous
When she watches you get undressed?
Do you ever stop to wonder
Would I answer if you dared to call?
I hate that I'm still thinking about you
When you don't even think about me at all

Isn't it something, how life moves?
Such a constant in my days, hoping maybe you would stay
You were all that I had, now I wonder if I'm anything
Still anything, still anything

Do you kiss her with your eyes closed?
Do you whisper when you get upset?
Do you still get a little nervous
When she watches you get undressed?
Do you ever stop to wonder
Would I answer if you dared to call?
I hate that I'm still thinking about you
When you don't even think about me at all

If I'm still anything
If I'm still anything
If I'm still anything to you
I wonder
If I'm still anything
If I'm still anything
If I'm still anything to you
I wonder

Do you kiss her with your eyes closed?
Do you whisper when you get upset?
Do you still get a little nervous (nervous, yeah)
When she watches you get undressed?
Do you ever stop to wonder (stop to wonder)
Would I answer if you dared to call?
I hate that I'm still thinking about you
When you don't even think about me at all (oh)

If I'm still anything (ooh)
If I'm still anything (anything)
If I'm still anything (anything, anything)
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

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Hold Me While It's Ending

Fireworks in Manhattan
We're dancing and laughing
Like this isn't the end
Wear me over your shoulder
As the evening gets colder
Like we meant what we said

We both know this isn't right
Love isn't supposed to keep you up at night
We both know good things can end
I just don't wanna have to let you go yet

Don't wanna crash
My body is shaking
Did you think we could make it
Something better than this?
Is your mind made up?
Tell me, does it falter?
Can this get any harder
Than it already is?

We both know this isn't right
Love isn't supposed to keep you up at night
We both know good things can end
I just don't wanna have to let you go yet

These hearts weren't made for bending
So hold me while it's ending
It's easier pretending
So hold me while it's ending
These hearts weren't made for bending (oh)
So hold me while it's ending (so hold me, hold me)
It's easier pretending
So hold me while it's ending (oh, yeah)

We both know this isn't right
Love isn't supposed to keep you up at night
We both know good things can end
I just don't wanna have to let you go yet

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The Way You Love Me

I like it, when you're dancing in the kitchen
I don't mind it, when I talk and you don't listen
'Cause you're mine, yeah
You're mine and I love that about you
I need it, when you tell me that you need me
I can feel it, that you really do believe me
When I say it, you're mine and I love that about you

I love the way you love me back
How you touch my body
No, I'll never have to ask
You to put it on me
You're the only thing I have, the only thing I'll ever need
Ooh, I love the way you love me

Patient, you make it impossible and I hate it
There's nothing that you let me get away with
You're mine and I love that about you
On my knees saying things that I've never said
Promises that I swore I'd never make again
You're mine, I love that about you, 'bout you, 'bout you

I love the way you love me back
How you touch my body
No, I'll never have to ask
You to put it on me
You're the only thing I have, the only thing I'll ever need, ooh
I love the way you love me
How you're always showing up in ways I never had
How'd I get so lucky?
You're the only thing I have, the only thing I'll ever need (I need)
Ooh, I love the way you love me

I love the way you love me
I love the way you love me
I love the way you love me

I like it, when you're dancing in the kitchen
I don't mind it, when I talk and you don't listen
'Cause you're mine, yeah
You're mine and I love that about you

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No One Hates Me More

Winter in September, hurricanes in June
If only I knew
Alcohol and sugar make for brittle teeth
I'm a mess of me

I don't wear a halo
I'm nobody's hero
I've got nothing left to lose
I will not dance with the lightning
I quit before trying
No one hates me more than
No one hates me more than

I do, I do, I do
No one hates me more than
I do, I do, I do
No one hates me more than me

Wasted Sunday mornings, paralyzed in bed
I'm my own worst friend
How does anybody learn to be alone
When you hate your home?

I don't wear a halo
I'm nobody's hero
I've got nothing left to lose
I will not dance with the lightning
I quit before trying
No one hates me more than
No one hates me more than

I do, I do, I do
No one hates me more than
I do, I do, I do
No one hates me more than me

I'm so sick of self-care
I'm so over brown hair
And eating the right foods
Nobody to talk to
No more pretending to
Love things I hate when I
Want people to like me

No one hates me more than
I do, I do, I do
No one hates me more than me

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Hotel June

There is a version of this where we aren't hurting
Where I was a better person
You never wanted to leave
There is a world where you call to tell me you still care
Life doesn't have to be unfair
You're coming home to me
You're coming home to me

I think about you
When we would get away
Go up to Hotel June and forget for the day
Laughed that Malibu
It's everything we're not
We were getting so drunk
That we didn't even make it out of the parking lot

Ooh, ooh
I still miss you

There was a moment, everything out in the open
We'd go up to the ocean
Let our anger go
Why didn't I tell you how badly I really need you?
You had better things to do
And I got up too slow
I got up too slow

I think about you
When we would get away
Go up to Hotel June and forget for the day
Laughed that Malibu
It's everything we're not
We were getting so drunk
That we didn't even make it out of the parking lot

Ooh, ooh
I still miss you
Ooh, ooh
I still miss you

These days all I ever do is miss you more
Crying to my mother on the bedroom floor
Screaming to the ceiling that I lost the best thing that I ever had, mmm

I think about you
When we would get away
Go up to Hotel June and forget for the day (for the day)
Laughed that Malibu
It's everything we're not
We were getting so drunk
We didn't even make it out of the parking lot

Ooh, ooh
I still miss you
I still miss you

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Stay anything

Red-eyed, twenty-one
You said, "Look at the damage that we've done"
Tired, unconvinced
I said, "It doesn't have to end like this"

'Cause I choose staying up to fight than sleeping here alone
I choose you a hundred times before letting you go, so

Just stay with me
Stay anything you want, anything you want
Say you miss me
Say anything at all, anything at all
I'll wait 'til you make your mind
'Cause I understand we get lost sometimes
Just stay angry
Stay anything you want if you stay here with me

Broken and alone
You said it's not the way you wanna go (Go, go, go)
And don't go, don't run
I said, "It doesn't have to hurt this much" (This much, this much, this much)

'Cause I choose staying up to fight than sleeping here alone
I choose you a hundred times before letting you go, so

Just stay with me
Stay anything you want, anything you want
Say you miss me
Say anything at all, anything at all
I'll wait 'til you make your mind
'Cause I understand we get lost sometimes
Just stay angry
Stay anything you want if you stay here with me

Tell me that I'm okay, tell me that I won't break
Tell me that I'm all you need
Tell me that you're healing, tell me that you feel it
Tell me that you still believe
Tell me that I'm okay, tell me that I won't break
Tell me that I'm all you need
Tell me that you're healing, tell me that you feel it
Tell me that you still believe

Just stay with me
Stay anything you want, anything you want
Say you miss me
Say anything at all, anything at all
I'll wait 'til you make your mind
'Cause I understand we get lost sometimes
Just stay angry
Stay anything you want if you stay here with me