i care so much that i dont care at all Album Lyrics by Glaive

---

oh are you bipolar one or two?

The moment I turn twenty-three
I'll grab the gun my father gave to me
On my birthday when I turned seventeen
I'll lay a note right next to me that says
"Split the money that I have
Evenly between my mom and my dad"
I'll speak so eloquently
On what to do with each half
I'll tell Rebecca, "Buy a home
Down the road from Cypress Grove"
And I know, mother, you don't want me to go
But I must go
And I'll tell Mark to buy a car
Please know you're always in my heart
Even when my conscious self departs
You did your job
And to Chris, I hope you're smilin'
'Cause you kept the boy from dying
For almost a decade, man, f*ck what my friends say
One twitch of the finger, f*ck around and I'm dead weight
Don't believe what the press say, I did this for me
And no one else in the best way
To all of my friends, you know I wish you the best, and
When you say my name, say that shit with your chest, and
I think I should be clear, I don't wan'

I don't wan' be here with people that
That I didn't know last year at f*ckin' all
You don't wan' be here when I blow my top off
Girl, I don't wanna be here at all
At all, at all, at all, at all
I'll put the metal to skin, and I'll go off on a whim and say
That I don't wan' be here at f*cking all

I wonder if tomorrow would've been better
In all honesty, it don't even matter at all
'Cause it bends, it breaks, it folds
And I'm here right now so just hear me out
Know I let you down, but I can't, no, I can't
I can't change anything, this trajectory
It was meant for me, it was meant to be
Don't let my mom see me before they bury me
'Cause the man in that coffin, shit, he's barely me
Plenty people gon' say they were there for me
They weren't there for me, they didn't care for me, so

I don't wan' be here with people that
That I didn't know last year at f*ckin' all
You don't wan' be here when I blow my top off
Girl, I don't wanna be here at all
At all, at all, at all, at all
I'll put the metal to skin, and I'll go off on a whim and say
That I don't wan' be here at f*cking all

---

as if

Why do I have to listen to you when you have zero to say?
Because I'm young?
All my life I've been young
So I never get a turn

Hyperaggressive if I'm honest, I can't stand to be alone
My friends are so progressive, they called me "faggot" a year ago
And I couldn't cut them off because then I'd be on my own
Being obsessive sounds depressing but it's just the way it goes
Just the way it goes

And will that ever f*cking change?
As if I'm, as if I'm ever gonna change
As if I'm, as if I'm ever gonna change
As if I'm, as if I'm ever gonna change
(As if I'm, as if I'm) gonna change
(As if I'm, as if I'm) gonna change
(As if I'm, as if I'm) never gonna change

My friends on fentanyl, I hope they're finding their peace
On life support for a week, I heard they died in their sleep
There's so much truth in the fiction, don't know what to believe
There's so much money in addiction that I'm dying to need
Something more (somethin' more, somethin')
I'm just dying to be something more, something more

And will that ever f*cking change?
As if I'm, as if I'm ever gonna change
As if I'm, as if I'm ever gonna change
As if I'm, as if I'm ever gonna change
(As if I'm, as if I'm) gonna change
(As if I'm, as if I'm) gonna change
(As if I'm, as if I'm)

(As if I'm, as if I'm) I wonder if I'll ever get it right
(As if I'm, as if I'm) I wonder if I'll ever find the words
(As if I'm, as if I'm) I wonder if I'll ever be enough
(As if I'm, as if I'm) I wonder if I'll ever f*ckin' change

As if I'm, as if I'm ever gonna change (I'll stay the same)
As if I'm, as if I'm ever gonna change
As if I'm, as if I'm ever gonna change
(As if I'm, as if I'm) gonna change
(As if I'm, as if I'm) gonna change
(As if I'm, as if I'm) never gonna change

Everybody talks to me like I'm the one, you know, I should change
Why should I change? I've never even gotten to find out who I am
And you want me to change, that's crazy
You tell me I'm bad before I even get to be anything
What the hell is that? Original sin or something?
It's you that wants the a before you even start
But when I say I want the same thing, I'm nuts, right?
I'm not gonna cry
I'm gonna find my place in this world, count on it

---

17250

I never hoped for the best
But then I'd be surprised if it got any worse
I swear
I never told you the truth, I realized
That you never cared at all

I woke up this morning
On someone else's mattress
Don't mean to be a bother
But what the f*ck just happened?

And I fell apart in your driveway, like a thousand times
Past few months, my dear, I've lived a thousand lives
I knew from the start that I, I should've drawn the line
Hot to the touch, my dear, I keep getting cauterized

I'm letting the blood build up in my mouth
I'm so damn scared of just letting it out
I'm so damn scared of the sound it'll make on the ground

I woke up this morning
On someone else's mattress
Don't mean to be a bother
But what the f*ck just happened?

And I fell apart in your driveway, like a thousand times
Past few months, my dear, I've lived a thousand lives
I knew from the start that I, I should've drawn the line
Hot to the touch, my dear, I keep getting cauterized

17-250 (f*ck me, why did I do that?)
17-250 (I can't stand myself, but you knew that)
17-250 (250, 250)
17-250 (250, 250)

I woke up this morning
On someone else's mattress
Don't mean to be a bother
But what the f*ck just happened?

---

pardee urgent care

Keep me in the waiting room
I never know what you will do anymore
You'll hate the words I say to you
You never wanna hear the truth anymore
Tell me that you have the time
But I've been here since nearly nine
And I can't seem to see the signs of anything
Anymore, anytime, never mind

You're perfect
You never make me feel like I'm a burden
You told me I should kill myself
With pills that stay inside my shelf
I know for a fact I deserve it, deserve it
So keep me in your waiting room
I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you

You told me that I was just never enough
You changed your mind, said that I was too much
You crossed the line, said you did it to toughen me up
Then you disappeared, I was a sucker to punch
'Cause I've been through many things
Everything, anything, anymore, anytime, never mind

You're perfect
You never make me feel like I'm a burden
You told me I should kill myself
With pills that stay inside my shelf
I know for a fact I deserve it, deserve it
So keep me in your waiting room
I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you

(I'm so pissed)
(Okay, father)
(I'm tired, I'm tired)
(I'm so tired)

---

the car

I was standing in the dark
And I'm hoping that you saw me
Now we're f*cking in his car
Are you ever gonna call him back?
Tell him he's the best you've ever had
I think that I should go
I think that I should go

Now we're f*cking in his car
And you're telling me that I'm all that
Calling me the best you've ever had
I think that I should go
I think that I should go

Say you're finding yourself
If that's what you call it
Doing ket on a Wednesday
We're both going to hell if we're being honest
He must know there's something happening

Heard you say that, "He just won't get it"
I won't assume, I've got an inhibition
He must know there's something happening
He must know there's something happening

I was standing in the dark
Yeah, thank God nobody saw me
Now we're f*cking in his car
Are you ever gonna call him back?
Tell him he's the best you've ever had
I think that I should go
I think that I should go

Now we're f*cking in his car
And you're telling me that I'm all that
Calling me the best you've ever had
I think that I should go
I think that I should go

And I'd be lying to your face
If I said I didn't feel for him
He's doing way more than I did for ya
He must know there's something happening
I bet he doesn't know the half it

Oh, good God, now you want him back?
What the f*ck was I? What the f*ck is that?
Father always said, father always said
That you can't miss what you never had

I was standing in the dark
And I'm hoping that you saw me
Now we're f*cking in his car
Are you ever gonna call him back?
Tell him he's the best you've ever had
I think that I should go
I think that I should go

Now we're f*cking in his car
And you're telling me that I'm all that
Calling me the best you've ever had
I think that I should go
I think that I should go

---

i care so much that i dont care at all

I was younger then, thought about doing me in
Because I hated myself and the place that I lived
Thank God I didn't do it 'cause it's all okay
Thank God I didn't do it 'cause it's all okay
And the pain that you felt, thought it would eat you alive
But if you saw how we've been living, you'd be slightly surprised
So thank God I didn't do it 'cause it's all okay
Thank God I didn't do it 'cause it's all okay
And of course I know how bad I've been hurt
But I can't help smiling 'cause it could've been worse
So thank God I didn't do it and it's all okay
Thank God I didn't do it 'cause it's all okay

Thank God I didn't do it and it's all okay
Feels like such a long time, didn't know if I'd change
Hate to say this 'cause it sounds a bit gay
But I'm really f*cking happy that it ended this way

I care so much that I don't care at all
I care so much that I don't care at all
I care so much that I don't care at all
I care so much that I don't care at all

---

all i do is try my best

First year that I gotta pay my taxes
When I heard the number, thought 'bout killing myself
Tried to buy wine but they didn't have it
Mom and dad, know I miss you like hell
Politics and all of this is kind of dumb
But I find it kinda funny as well
I'm too busy to be anything else
I'm too busy to be anything else

And if it only happens once, then it shouldn't happen at all
All I do is try my best, and all I do is try my best
So if I don't feel alive, am I really living at all?
All I do is try my best, and all I do is try my best

All I do is, all I do is try my best, is try my best, is
All I do is, all I do is try my best, is try my best, is
All I do is, all I do is try my best, is try my best, is
All I do is, all I do is try my best, is try my best, is

It's all about over-indulgence in moderation
So I get drunk, not inebriated
As I get older, I realize
Too much of anything makes you hate it
Watch your words, they might make you famous
I can't stand the complacence
So I do everything myself
I'm too busy to be anything else

And if it only happens once, then it shouldn't happen at all
All I do is try my best, and all I do is try my best
So if I don't feel alive, am I really living at all?
All I do is try my best, and all I do is try my best

All I do is, all I do is try my best, is try my best, is
All I do is, all I do is try my best, is try my best, is
All I do is, all I do is try my best, is try my best, is
(All I do is, is try my best is)
All I do is, all I do is try my best, is try my best, is
(All I do is)

'Cause all I do is, is try my best, is
'Cause all I do is, is try my best, is
All I do is, all I do is
Try my best, is try my best, is

---

im nothing thats all i am

As you walked away from me, I counted every stride
Goddamn it, this happens every time
I looked you in the face, said, "I'm fine"
But goddamn it, would you believe I lied?
I know it doesn't look like I tried
'Cause goddamn it, this happens every time
'Cause goddamn it, this happens every time

I get drunk, I get drunk, I get too f*cked up
I get stuck in my head or I get stuck up
On the things that I had or the people I trust
And the things I won't say to the people I love

Like, oh my God
We've been here far too long
You almost broke my heart
You left as I started drinking
The f*ck was I thinking?

As you walked away from me, I counted every stride
Goddamn it, this happens every time
I looked you in the face, said, "I'm fine"
But goddamn it, would you believe I lied?
I know it doesn't look like I tried
'Cause goddamn it, this happens every time
'Cause goddamn it, this happens every time

And I know that you won't
So I'll leave, you'll stay home
I can't help it, I must go

It's like, oh my God
We've been here far too long
You almost broke my heart
You left as I started drinking
The f*ck was I thinking?

As you walked away from me, I counted every stride
Like goddamn it, this happens every time
I looked you in the face, said, "I'm fine"
But goddamn it, would you believe I lied?
I know it doesn't look like I tried
'Cause goddamn it, this happens every time
'Cause goddamn it, this happens every time

---

the prom

I skipped my high school prom
Now that part of me is gone
So I don't pick up my calls
At all, at all
And maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong
Or maybe I'm right and I won't see them for the rest of my life
Remember that night? When things were alright
And I wasn't there and y'all didn't care
To text or call

Or anything in the slightest
I told you that I don't mind it
The look on my face said, "I'm lying, I'm lying," like
Oh, oh, why do I do that?

Oh, oh, why do I do that?
Oh, oh, why do I do that?
To myself, to everyone else
To my friends and everyone in between
Oh, oh, why do I do that?
Oh, oh, why do I do that?
It's complicated, yeah, I know
It's complicated, yeah, I know

One day I'll be the king of something
One day I'll be the queen of something
Right now, I'm just the king of nothing
Right now, I'm just the queen of nothing
Hide my face, can't be seen in public
Hide my face 'cause I know I'm blushing
I'm embarrassed so I just stay at my parents' house
I'm terrified of my hometown
I'm petrified I've let them down
I didn't want to go

I just feel slighted
I told you that I don't mind it
The look on my face said, "I'm lying, I'm lying," like
Oh, oh, why do I do that?

Oh, oh, why do I do that?
Oh, oh, why do I do that?
To myself, to everyone else
To my friends and everyone in between
Oh, oh, why do I do that?
Oh, oh, why do I do that?
It's complicated, yeah, I know
It's complicated, yeah, I know

---

tiziana

I don't know, I don't care
'Cause you were gone, she was there
I can't save myself
Maybe I asked for too much
Maybe you don't give a f*ck

I should ask for help
You and I, we fell in love
But even that was not enough

For all the times you let me down
For all the times you left me out to dry
I never got the chance to ask you why
Why you think that, that I'll just ignore it?
Like when you called in New York and
Screamed down the phone I'm a whore and
You screamed more and hung up on your end

I called you the next day, said, "What the hell were you thinking?"
You told me you're strung out and you're back to drinking again
And I know I should feel sorry, but I don'y, not even partly
Because it's not my fault, no, it's not my fault 'cause

All the times you let me down
For all the times you left me out to dry
I never got the chance to ask you why
Why you think that, that I'll just ignore it?
Like when you called in New York and
Screamed down the phone I'm a whore and
You screamed more and hung up on your end

You crossed that line 'bout one too many times
You crossed my mind for far too many nights
So this one's for

All the times you let me down
And ll the times you left me out to dry
I never got the chance to ask you
Why you think that, that I'll just ignore it?
Like when you called in New York and
Screamed down the phone I'm a whore and
You screamed more and hung up on your end

---

ive made worse mistakes

Of course, I wish that I could stay
But we both know I've gotta go
I've got some things I've gotta handle
And some people that I've gotta consult
You smile ear-to-ear, it kinda looks a bit weird
People don't mind it
You started going to therapy
F*cking finally

Of course you'll do some things you wish you never did
Like dating that girl, she was such a bitch
And I hate to sound pretentious at a time like this
But if you've never died, then you've never lived

You meet a girl, you meet a guy
You meet somebody, never mind, yeah
Ash, I hope you save yourself
'Cause everybody's f*cking dying
And of course I know that things are strange
I wish that I could show you that it's all okay
'Cause looking at it now
You wouldn't change it, do you think?

Of course you'll do some things you wish you never did
Like pissing people off just for the hell of it
And I hate to sound pretentious at a time like this
But if you've never died, then you've never lived

You get a couple tattoos
And the people you trust will take advantage of you
But it's okay
But isn't it always?

Because of course you'll do some things you wish you never did
And some people get mad but you learn from it
And I hate to sound pretentious at a time like this
But if you've never died, then you've, then you've never lived

F*ck, I wish that you could see me now
Wish you could see me now
Wish that you could see me now
F*ck, I wish that you could see me now
Wish you could see me now
Wish that you could see me now

---

the good the bad the olga

I'm not that boy that I once was at all
And I know you can't accept that I'm all grown up
I'll stay in touch, but I have some problems to attend to like

How I feel like I'm just not enough and no one seems to give a f*ck about me
It keeps compounding, I know that everyone is fine without me
So this is it, my final shift, my last hurrah
Before I take a gun and do something I should have done

I walked myself back home, I walked myself back
Was tired, angry, like always
Can't believe you called me today out of all days
Apologized, but we both know that's what they all say
The sun would shine, but nowadays, it's all grey
Should I lie and tell you that it's all great?

How I feel like I'm just not enough and no one seems to give a f*ck about me
It keeps compounding, I know that everyone is fine without me
So this is it, my final shift, my last hurrah
Before I take a gun and do something I should have done

I'm damn near apologetic, but I'm far from empathetic
For you, I did this for me and that's true (Woah-woah, oh)
I'm damn near apologetic, but I'm far from empathetic
For you, I did this for me and that's true
I have nothing left to lose
I have nothing left to lose

---

2005 barbie doll

If the money wasn't coming
Then all the people here would leave
Do you know how hard it is to stomach
That they'll toss you out whenever they please?
I'm a commodity, an oddity
My high school friends won't talk to me
In all honesty, it's probably
'Cause I'm in a place that they want to be
But it costed me almost everything

I'm so blase about everything
'Cause I'm scared to show I'm not confident
I'm being confident about all of this
I gave you all that I had to give
Now I'm throwing money in a spiral
'Cause we both know 'bout how it goes
We've heard this story many times before
He was too young, he took too much
Now he's sleeping on a tour bus
Full of people that he don't know
After everything, he finally gets to go home

Alright go ahead, continue the story
So he was so obnoxious
He was like inside, leave those dogs there
And I was like okay alright
Well we'll just make sure they don't like jump out
Just stop talking lady, I will do my job
He's like, "They're just little dogs, just leave it alone, go inside"
So I go inside and he comes in behind me
And he's like, "Make sure she doesn't go anywhere
I'm gonna go and search her car" and I had already said to her
"Oh my God, no 'cause my dogs are in there, what if he likes opens the door and they jump out?"
And she goes, "She's a little bit concerned about her dogs"
And he's like, "Oh, for God's sake, they're just little dogs, I'll deal with them"
And I'm not exaggerating, he goes off
And he turns back so he can make sure I can hear it
And he goes, "I'm going to be some time"
And I'm like thinking to myself, "Oh my God, he's going to find all the drugs"
That's a, uh, really riveting story, no, it's good, it's good, it's good
Sorry, love ya, bye