Jakku Harisu - unbothered Lyrics

Two strings begin to tug
I wish I am able to say it were the drugs
But I shrug it off, or so I pretend
I'm unable to comprehend
It wasn't meant to bend
It kinda depends
Does my heart ache?
It starts when my chest caves in on itself
I wish I can make a decision
Without the division
But I need help
Yet, i feel imprisoned
These difficult questions has a tension
To such an extent, my psyche may shatter
It isn't for you to feel flattered
My mind is scattered
Can't find the purpose in what matters
So I mastered the act
By cracking my shell
You're able to tell
It isn't who I am
It isn't a mask
It isn't a scam
I'm simply-
Since I was seven
I've lost relations with both of my parents
Which is apparent
My premise was tempered by the resentment, I felt
I wasn't independent
Just attempting to defend my self
Yet when I was twelve
I began to spiral out of control
Beginning to lose hope
I often hope that the end isn't a rope
But nope
I gotta keep it going
Gotta keep it moving
By removing those I wanted to prove
How can I improve?
I'm a buffoon
I feel i'm drowning in a lagoon
I wish this was untrue
But I am so f*cking confused
On what to f*cking do
Who knew I be stuck
I wanna buck and tell
Chuck and yell
Yet im under a spell
That keeps in a cell
I wish I'm able to swell
This is my version of hell
I worsen with each passing day,
I curse upon the fate
I wish it wasn't too late
But the constant dounbt
The constant change
Has me feeling grey and strange
I'm out of range
I'm at my limit
I want to change this pace
I'm a mimic and change this face
I'm stuck in this race
Of constantly wanting to get to first
Honestly, it's been giving me a thirst
So, I keep it concluded in a verse
If you ask
I gotta reverse and pretend I'm in a land
Where it isn't as bland
I am able to stand without anxiously shaking my hands
I'll be honest, I hate to admit I am a broken man
I had a plan to end my life
With letters that were a knife
The deadline was July
The twenty second
Where I dose off in the tub
But the melatonin simply wasn't enough
I was eight
Buying soda from the vending machine
To never able to give my step-father the peace
He needs
I plant seeds that allow him to think I'm changing for the better
And yet, I wish I could kill that mother-f*cker
But as the eldest brother
How would my brother react?
Would my sister be glad?
I wish it wasn't so bad
Yet I can't seem to find a moment to relax
I'm constantly on guard
For the next unfortunate circumstance
As a series of unfortunate events
Continues to laminate my descent
I love and care
I take it on the chin
I wish I can say I am happy that this is a win
As I'm exhausted from the constant cycles we've been
But perhaps I am a little harsh for how it's been
It isn't typical, I'm a cynic and my own worst critic
But it's critical that I am able to get the gimmick
I don't give a f*ck about the statistics
My lyrics reach the part of your soul
It's my flaw but it's what makes me whole
As my goal is simply as can be
I reach to you
Through a microphone
I simply want to find a place to call home
This is my flow,
And I can't let it go