Suicide Letter Video (MV)

Uh, hmm
So I was just sitting here and I was thinking
About everybody, I guess
Alright

Eliasar said that he got me for life
Bought me some blank CDs and a mic
I often think about the video with Dice
Sixteen making us laugh all night

Sarah used to be my biggest supporter
I don't really know what I did wrong
You can tell that it bothers me
I keep bringing it up every song

I'm shook that my little cousins are grown
Man, they used to be my shadow
I would smile in their face and sing a little song
While secretly fighting this battle

Depression always comes and goes
But in the packed room, I am all alone
I'm pretty sure when my grandma King died
That's exactly when the family broke

Not at first, but you know how time works
I cried silently until my eyes hurt
Thinking, like, why I ain't die first
Stephanie saw me cry writing my verse

I wonder what Doug's up to and how he's been
Had a dumb fight and that's how it ends
I got his daughter tattooed on my right arm
She got a special place on my skin

Lil Zar died and I didn't blink
An eye had a hate love thing, but that's still my guy
And Jacob, I hope everything's alright
I should reach out, but got too much pride

Even feelings I share with my grandma Joan
Ain't the same whenever I see her
She's honestly the most genuine person I know
Such a beautiful creature

I feel shame when I hug her
I know that I'm distant
A smile brings relief and you know that it's instant
And I know that she won't live forever

I just hope one day that she'll forgive me
I don't know if I turn my back on them
Or if they turn their back on me
We ain't never had much, but we had each other

We f*cked up, but we family
And my mother's an angel
I put her through hell somehow
She was always smiling

I remember when I stole the rent money
Off the table and I kept on lying
I remember when I walked in her room
It was dark

She was all alone and she was crying
She said, what is wrong with you
What do you need from me, son
I promise I'm trying

And that vision alone always sticks with me
Acting like hurting my family ain't shit to me
Something's wrong in my head
It ain't a

Why the f*ck I'm so comfortable with misery
Self-medicate until I'm numb to it
If the drugs don't work, then a gun'll do it
All this pain in my heart, it keep running through me

On the edge of the bed like I'm finna do it
I don't wanna feel this pain no more
This life ain't for me
I keep saying there's no heaven

I guess I'll find out shortly
I apologize to both my kids
I'm truly sorry
Choice, Ruuch, Smurf, and Tony tell them beautiful stories

And my baby brothers, you know I love y'all, dawg
I'm proud for real
I guess I should've picked my phone up
Told y'all how I feel

If there is a pearly gates, I'll wait on y'all
You know I will
And Stephanie, just know I love you even when I'm not here
I don't wanna feel this pain no more

This life ain't for me
I keep saying there's no heaven
I guess I'll find out shortly
I apologize to both my kids

I'm truly sorry
Choice , Ruuch, Smurf, and Tony tell them beautiful stories
And my baby brothers, you know I love y'all, dawg
I'm proud for real

I guess I should've picked my phone up
Told y'all how I feel
If there is a pearly gates, I'll wait on y'all
You know I will

And Stephanie, just know I love you even when I'm not here