Hapgood's Arrival Lyrics

NARRATOR:
Comptroller Schub is trying to sort out the confusion of Cookies and Pilgrims at the Miracle Rock when there is a clap of thunder, several flashes of lightning and - yes - a trumpet call. Our hero has arrived: J. Bowden Hapgood.

HAPGOOD:
Excuse me, but could you direct me to the Cookie Jar?

SCHUB:
What for? There's nobody there, they're all here. Now doctor, here's our problem in a nutshell.

CORA:
Oh, Schub!

SCHUB:
We must know immediately which of the people on that line are bona fide pilgrims entitle to take our miracle waters and which are -

HAPGOOD:
Cookies?

SCHUB:
Yes.

HAPGOOD:
Shall we dance?

SCHUB:
What the hell is this?

HAPGOOD:
I have to think, and I think best on my feet. And I must think up a quick way to discover who is who, and what is what and make everybody -

SCHUB:
Yes...?

HAPGOOD:
Happy, Mayor?

CORA:
You may. But how are you going to separate them?

HAPGOOD:
According to the principles of logic.

CORA:
Logic?

HAPGOOD:
It's quick and easy.