The Baseball Game Lyrics

(everyone shouting various encouragements to Jason)

ALL: We're sitting
And watching Jason play baseball,
We're watching Jason play baseball!
We're watching Jewish boys,
Who cannot play baseball, play baseball!
We're watching Jewish boys,
Who cannot play baseball play-

MARVIN: I hate baseball, I really do!
Unlike the rest of you,
I hate baseball!

CORDELIA & CHARLOTTE: We really wish he'd take this more seriously!

MENDEL: I like how he swings the bat!

MARVIN: It's good how he swings the bat.
But why does he have to throw like that'

ALL: We're sitting
And watching Jason make errors,
The most pathetical errors!
We're watching Jewish boys,
Who almost read Latin,
Up, battin',
And battin' bad!

MENDEL: Remember Sandy Koufax!
You can do it if you wanna do it!
Take heart from Hank Greenberg!
It's not genetic,
Anything can be copasetic!
I think, I think,
I think it can, I think it can!

ALL: We're sitting
And watching Jason play baseball,
We're watching Jason play baseball!
We're watching Jewish boys,
We're watching Jewish boys,
We're watching-
SLIDE, JASON!
Slide, Jason!
Slide'

(WHIZZER enters)

MARVIN: What's Whizzer doing here'

TRINA: What are you doing here'

WHIZZER: Jason asked me to come. Since he asked me to come, I came.

TRINA: Just what I wanted at a Little League game.
My ex-husband's ex-lover!
Isn't that what every mother dreams about
Having at a Little League game'

MENDEL: Looking at Whizzer is like eating treyf.

CORDELIA: The kid was out!

CHARLOTTE: The kid was safe!

CORDELIA: The kid was out!

CHARLOTTE: The kid was safe!

WHIZZER: Hey!
I love baseball,
I love baseball.
That's what I'm doing here.

CHARLOTTE: (spoken) Aw, where the hell did they get that umpire'!

TRINA: Hi, Whizzer. (chuckles)

WHIZZER: Hey.

MARVIN: (sung) Look who's here. Say hello.

WHIZZER: Hello.

MARVIN: And you're looking sweeter than a donut.

WHIZZER: Marvin.

MARVIN: Whizzer.

WHIZZER: He's still queer.

MARVIN: Am I queer'

TRINA: I don't know!

MENDEL: Does it matter'

MARVIN: It's been so long since I could tell.
Move in front of me,
I wanna see the bald spot!
C'mon, c'mon.
Sit in front of me,
It gives me pleasure to see the bald spot!
Since it's the only
Physical imperfection that you've got.
I wanna see it!
I wanna touch it!
I wanna run my hands through it!

ALL except MARVIN: We're sitting
And watch the kid as he misses!
We're watching Marvin throw kisses,
We're watching sixty-seven pounders,
Watching Jewish boys in scroungers,

ALL: Watching boys feel, boys bat,
Boys miss, boys at-
Watching Jason on deck,
Swinging the bat!

WHIZZER: Keep your head in the box.
Don't think of a thing,
Keep your head in the box,
Your eye on the ball,
Take a breath, then let it out
And swing!

(Whizzer and everyone else repeat last verse, overlapping)

MARVIN: Even bald, he looks good.

WHIZZER: Just remember he's an asshole.

MARVIN: He looks damn good, but he's cheap as dirt.

WHIZZER: Even maniacs can charm,
Which he does, so beware.

MARVIN: And just be careful.

WHIZZER: When he smiles that smile, avoid him,
Or else sound the alert!

MARVIN & WHIZZER: How could I know, without him,
My life would be boring as shit'

MARVIN: But it is.

WHIZZER: (spoken) Jason! You gotta move a little closer to the plate!

MARVIN: (sung) Oh, yes, it is-
(spoken) What' He's gonna be hit by the ball!

MARVIN & WHIZZER: (sung) Please, God, don't let me make the same mistake!

ALL: We're sitting
And watching Jason, the batter!
We know our cheering won't matter!
It is the very final inning
And the other team is winning,
And there's two outs, two strikes,
But the bases are loaded and-

MARVIN: Could it be possible to see you, or to kiss you,
Or to give you a call'

ALL: Anything's possible, Jason
Hit the ball!
(spoken) Run!