Stop! Wait! What?! Lyrics

CONSTABLE:
(spoken) So sorry to interrupt such a festive occasion but I am under strict instructions to arrest you - for murder.

MONTY:
(spoken) Murder?

Stop! Wait! What?!
Well I didn't kill Adalbert D'Ysquith, though that certainly was my intent.
Rather hard to digest that I could be arrested for something that I only meant.
And it couldn't be poor cousin Asquith, for he graciously died on his own.
Was that hole in the ice just a bit too precise? Was my presence at Chisolmire known?

(spoken) Murder, did you say?

CONSTABLE:
(spoken) I'm afraid so, your Lordship.

MONTY:
Stop! Wait! When?!
I should doubt I was seen in the harbor. Lady Hyacinth fell in so fast.
As for Salame's end, all suspicion would send them at once to the backstabbing cast.
Did the bee stings reveal my deception?
Was I seen at the weightlifting hall?
How rude to intrude on this lovely reception for I am the Earl after all.

Yes, I am the Earl after all.
Though, it's come, I concede, at a cost.
But where was my blunder, my weakness I wonder. Is all of it now to be lost?
Is all of it now to be lost?

(spoken) Murdering whom?

CONSTABLE:
(spoken) Lord Adalbert D'Ysquith, eighth Earl of Highhurst.

MONTY:
Stop! Wait! Who?!
For the murder of Adalbert D'Ysquith.
Were there ever a farce, this is it.
I am almost amused I should stand here accused of a murder I didn't commit.

(spoken) But surely, the Earl died of a heart attack.

CONSTABLE:
(spoken) Um, no, your Lordship. It was foul play.

MONTY:
Of course, I should like to inquire by what method he happened to die.
But more to the point, what events now to conspire to the lead them to think it was I?

I've dispatched half a dozen -
Each one, a cousin -
All of them, quite by design.
It is not a defense.
It just makes no sense.
This murder was not one of mine!

[Thanks to karissa_l_holden for adding these lyrics]