Post-Apocalypto Album Lyrics

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POST-APOCALYPTO THEME

(Tenacious D)

Apocalypto, end of the world
Apocalypto, searching for that special girl
She is the last one in the world
Ride!
Apocalypto, end of the line
Apocalypto this is our time to shine
Tenacious D has got to shine!

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desolation

(Tenacious D)

[Voice-over: JB]
Desolation

JB: Dude, oh my God
KG: Where are we?
JB: Oh my God, what have we done to Mother Earth?
KG: Well we didn’t do anything, did we?
JB: Humanity Kage, humanity. What have we done to Mother Earth?
KG: Oh the horror
JB: The what?
KG: Oh the horruh
JB: What?
KG: The horruh-huh-huh
JB: Are you doing?
KG: Marlon Brando from Apocaly-
JB: This is no time for f*cking imitations
KG: Sorry

[KG starts to cry]

KG: What are we gonna do?
JB: We will survive

[KG stops crying]

KG: We will?
JB: Yeah, with our wits and our friendship and our Rock. We will find a way, we will survive. Whoa look at that, it’s a cute little two-headed doggy

[Dog barks]

KG: Oh-ho, can we keep him?

[Dog whimpers joyfully]

KG: Look how cute
JB: Of course we can. We will name him Hope

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HOPE

(Tenacious D)

Hope is a doggy
A sweet doggy
Standing next to a rose
A flower grows in the soil
There's still hope for life to exist
For us to survive
To thrive and survive
And find a way to live our lives
And live through this nuclear Holocaust
Let's get it on

How will we survive?
With a little luck
And patience
And know-how
And love
We will survive
The nuclear Holocaust
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

We will survive
And we will thrive
Must stay alive and we will strive
To make it to the top of the mountain
There shall be dragons and there shall be gorgons
There shall be many beasts with no name
Our trust doggy will be there to save the day
Hope will find a way
Hope will find a way

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cave women

(Tenacious D)

Cave Woman: Weary travelers!
KG: Hello?
Cave Woman: Hello!
KG: Who goes there?
Cave Woman: We are the clan of the cave bear women
KG: What?
Cave Woman: We see you there. Drink not from that fountain of filth!
KG: Wh-
Cave Woman: It be the sewage of the drain
KG: Sewage!?
Cave Woman: Come with us
KG: F*ck
Cave Woman: We shall offer you the water from the purest springs. Come follow us
KG: Ah!
JB: Thank you. Oh my God
KG: Dude, that’s so insane. Man
JB: Dude, human beings!
KG: I can’t believe it!
JB: We found human beings! Follow her, follow her
KG: I know, she’s kind of hot too
JB: C’mon Kyle, please
KB: No! I’m just saying
JB: Some respect
KB: Okay, yeah, yes
Cave Woman: We’ve prepared for you meals and then we suggest you rest. Your weary souls must be tired

[Music box lullaby plays]

KG: Oh we are so tired
JB: Thank you so much. Oh, I’m so f*cking tired dude. You know what, I’ma, I’ma take her up on that offer and take a-
KG: Yeah
JB: Take a quick power snooze

[JB starts snoring]

KG: Ah I’m tired

[Rooster crows]

JB: Oh man, I had the best dream
KG: Oh yeah?
JB: Yeah
KG: What was it?
JB: Some beautiful woman was givin’ me a beej-
JB: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho

[Single slurp noise]

JB: Oh my god, Oh my god! That’s no dream! It’s happening. Ho, hello, um, hi. That’s a pleasant surprise, that feels good, I do not know, um, can you stop stop for a second? I’m sorry, I’m feeling a little-

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MAKING LOVE

(Tenacious D)

Go with it, don’t be afraid, we are your friends and more
It’s important that we f*ck right now, so let your penis explore
Repopulation is the name of the game we need to f*ck you right away
This is no time for being shy, let us have your seed today

Cmon JB, they just wanna f*ck
Just give 'em whatcha got
You’re f*ckin bringing down the mood
You gotta use that f*ckin cock

Oh no, I’m feeling so vulnerable, not ready to give you my load
I do not really know you, not sure if I can trust you with my heart
You might break my heart
I can’t give you my load if I don’t feel safe

Look at Kyle, he’s got the idea, that’s it, Kage, see? He knows
Suck his fingertips, lick his ear hole, suck his toes, and lick his butthole
Suck his balls, obviously, his cock, sit on him make him explode

Excuse me, hello
My name is Conchita and I’m also painfully shy
I do not like orgies unless I’m incredibly high
I know we just met but please hold me as tight as a glove
I cannot have sex unless I am completely in love

Making love, making love, making love, making love
Making love, making love, making love
Making love, making love, making love, making love
Making love, making love, making love

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scientists

(Tenacious D)

Scientist: Stay where you are!

KG: Ah! Oh, I’m sorry? What?

Scientist: We have laser blaster pistols. We will shoot you and kill you to the ground

KG: We don’t mean any harm. We come in peace. We come in peace

Scientist: Stay where you are, I can see your hands

KG: Wait, where are you from?

Scientist: Where are we from? We are from MIT. Where else? We are the top uttermost scientists in all of the world surviving Anyway, and we are putting the finishing touches this uh, this spaceship because there is a, um, what you call a space station in space that is called a Valhalla, it is very huge

KG: Valhalla. Hm

Scientist: Very spacious so much fun to do and things to do and uh

KG: That’s great!

Scientist: Oh-ho-ho. Let me tell you first who is up on the station before you start saying what you think is great. Richard Branson is up there, of course. Also you got Yo-Yo Ma up there, and only the finest and smartest and richest allowed on the space station, so

KG: Please take us to space. Please, we are the best band in the world. We’re way better than Yo-Yo Ma. Please let us audish

Scientist: Well, you know, what the hell? Show us what you got. We’ll see what you think of it. Blow, blow our minds, you never know!

JB: Alright Kage, you ready?

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TAKE US INTO SPACE

(Tenacious D)

You gotta take us into space
We gotta save the human race
But first you gotta let us say goodbye

Goodbye Mother Earth, you served us well
Your rolling hills, your gorgeous lakes
You have been swell
Your f*cking flowers, your fresh breeze
Your blue skies all day
Your twinkling stars, your northern lights
It's time to go away

Me and KG are going into space
And we are never coming home again
We're gonna miss you, we'll never kiss you
We're gonna go have lots of sex in space
Sex in space

Farewell my friend
We're talking to the earth again
We're gonna party with Elon Musk in space
Ah-ah-ha yeah
Richard Branson partying hard
We're gonna kick it with him
We're gonna drink some space juice mixed with gin
Oh yeah

We're partying in space to save the human race
We're gonna have to shoot some goo
We're cumming in space
We're cumming inside of you

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i've got to go

(Tenacious D)

Scientist: Wow! Um, I have to say I’m pretty impressed. Okay! Your lucky day Jack Black, you’re getting on the ship. Kyle Gass, I’m sorry. You’re not gonna make it too. We’re not blaming you. We’re gonna bring only half, and uh, that is the en-
KG: Wait, wait
Scientist: I f*cking shoot you now!
KG: No! Is there no room for two?
Scientist: You f*cking, you f*cking savage!
KG: No c’mon! We’re a pair- team, we go together
JB: Dude! f*ck! This f*cking sucks! He wants me, but not you? That’s f*cking bullshit!
KG: Wait, why would he just want one of us?
JB: Dude! Let me tell you something, let me tell you something right now
KG: Yeah, yeah?
JB: f*ck that guy. I’m gonna go, but here’s-
KG: What!? You’re gonna go?
JB: Now let me just tell you, let me tell you why I’m gonna go
KG: And leave me down here? What am I supposed to do? With a f*cking three-headed dog?
JB: Yeah, but I’m not f*cking what he thinks I am. I’m going as a spy bro. I’m going in there. I’m gonna infiltrate- the revolush- the revolution starts from inside bro. I go in- hear me out. I go in. I f*ckin’ s-s-s-check out out the joint. I scope the joint. I figure out what makes them tick and then I f*cking get you a ticket
KG: I don't like this plan
JB: I get you a ticket!
KG: Where are you gonna find me!? You’re in space!
JB: Kage, I’m sorry. I’ve got to go!

[Doors close]

[Space ship takes off]

KG: No! No! Don’t go!

[Dog whimpers]

KG: Hope, come here boy. Hope, come here! Hope, where are you going?

[Dog barks]

KG: Hope, boy, come back! Come here! Hope!?

[Crickets chirping]

KG: I’ve lost Hope

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F*CK YO-YO MA

(Tenacious D)

How could I leave KG all alone?
(He's never coming home)
As I rocket into space to my new home
(He's up there with the stars)
He will survive is what I tell myself
(He doesn't wanna be here)
I'm probably gonna jam with Yo-Yo Ma
F*ckin' Yo-Yo Ma
(I'm stuck here)

And then I'm gonna eat some ice cream
(He's never coming home)
Then I'm gonna have some sex
(Eating cat food alone)
I think of KG on the Earth all alone
My orgasm will be tainted
(Having sex with myself)

Explosion of my load
As I jam with Yo-Yo Ma
(F*ck Yo-Yo Ma)
It feels so good, my pecker wood
(His pecker wood)
But a tiny part of me is left behind
(Is up there with the stars)

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reunion / not so fast

(Tenacious D)

[Bird shrieks overhead]

KG: Yeah, I’m gonna commit suicide! In five, four, three, two-
JB: Don’t even think about it bro
KG: Jack?
JB: Step away from the cliff
KG: You’re back
JB: Yeah, lemme tell you something. That space station was pretty rad except for one thing. I was missing my bro
KG: You were?
JB: When we started Tenacious D we formed a bond that’s to the death
KG: You did
JB: I love you bro!

[JB & KG cry profusely]

JB: A bond! Hug me and hold me!
KG: OK, I will. I will
JB: Kiss me on the lips

Daddy Ding Dong: Not so fast!

[JB & KG scream]

Daddy Ding Dong: Great, now I have you all in my tentacles. Ahh, I’ll begin with you and your little doggy

[Dog growls]

Daddy Ding Dong: You are the one who killed my beloved daughter, Crackalacka Ding Dong. And now, you shall pay with your life. But first, I'm gonna sing you a song. It go a little bit something like this

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DADDY DING DONG

(Tenacious D)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 motherf*ckers go

You motherf*ckers was the ones who killed my baby
You motherf*ckin' killed my baby
Crackalacka was my one and only baby
You killed her and it drove me crazy
You motherf*ckin' dog, you motherf*ckin' mutt
I’m gonna drink your gravy
You shit a f*ckin' log, I bust a f*ckin' nut
I f*ckin' plow your daisy

I’ll rip your head off, I’ll suck on your dick
It feels good till I chew on your prick
Daddy Ding Dong comin' to town
I’m gonna f*ck you up, I’m gonna f*ck you around all night
I’m gonna f*ck you tonight
I’m pure rage and hunger and evil
And I’m going to f*cking kill you
After my solo

Ah ha, oh-oh
Ahhhwoo

I'm f*cking watching you
I'm f*cking in the bush
I'm the Daddy Ding Dong
Ahahahahah
Hohohohoho

Daddy Ding Dong comin' to town
I’m gonna f*ck you up, I’m gonna f*ck you around alright
I’m gonna f*ck you tonight
I’m pure rage and hunger and evil
And I’m going to f*cking kill you
Prepare to die

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chainsaw bazooka machine gun

(Tenacious D)

[Big explosion and machine gun fire]

Terminator: That was my chainsaw bazooka machine gun! I killed the f*cking father Daddy Ding Dong

JB: Yeah! Thank you!

Terminator: I know the coordinates. I will help you. I’m gonna be your best friend. I’m gonna be in the band

KG: Yeah, I don’t know if we can do that, but that’s great

Terminator: I’m gonna be new lead singer of the band. I’m gonna write lyrics for you. It’s gonna be Tenacious D with me. It’s gonna be the best. We’re gonna be the best. We’re gonna be like brothers. We’re gonna be The Three Musketeers

KG: What? No, we can’t accept you. No, we can do that. No we don’t have any- no dude

JB: Yeah. Nah. I mean a lot of that sounded good but uh, I don’t know, it’s just- I’m sorry to say it Terminator. You’re just coming on a little strong. Me and KG are a duo. We’re not really used to this. Uh, thank you for everything you’ve done

KG: We appreciate your help

JB: Thank you for the coordinates. This is where we part ways, but thank you for f*cking everything you did. For saving our lives and all the rest. Thank you bro

KG: So much, so much

Terminator: Wait, wait. Before you go, I got this song I want to sing

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ROBOT

(Tenacious D)

I am a robot, naked and alone
Sent from the future to build a new home
Mission accomplished, find The D
Save them from Daddy Ding Dong
And build a home make it right make it nice

Kill all the evil and the Nazis
KKK, kill them all, dat what me must do

I am a robot, I am here alone
Just like a doggy, searching for his bone
Everyone sees me but no one understands
The feeling inside when I have an empty hand
No one will put me in their band
Cus everyone hates a robot
But I am such a good robot
I am not an evil robot understand
I am just a simple robot hold my hand
And one of these days, I’ll be a man

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marCH

(Tenacious D)

March march march march
March march march march
March march march march

We're marching for the cause of white salvation
We're marching for the KKK
We like Barbeque and we like guns too
And we don't like gays

March march march march
March march march march
March march march march

We're marching to secure the white ascension
We're marching to protect our sacred ways
In the USA you are not aloud to be gay
Anymore that's what the lore says

March march march march
March march march march
March march march march
March march march march
March march march march

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turd whistle

(Tenacious D)

JB: You f*cking did it Kage

KG: Damn

PB: You used that green, that thing

KG: This crystal is f*cking rad

JB: I'm a little scared of the power of it

KG: Well, we need it though

JB: Yeah. Okay Donald Jr, we're gonna have to uh, we're gonna have to take off now. We're taking the green thing and we're going to save the world. You're a piece of shit and you can go f*ck yourself. Good luck surviving here without any of your Nazis or any of your KKK. You f*ckin' turd whistle

Donald Trump Jr: No, you guys. Don't leave me here. If you leave me here, I'm gonna f*cking die. Before you guys go, I just wanna f*ckin' sing you one song

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COLORS

(Tenacious D)

What was I thinking?
All this rage, it's the end of the world
Spreading my hatred, I must sound insane
To every boy and every girl

Colors are the thing that make the world better
I've been seeing things in black and white
If we work together we can live forever
If we do it right tonight

Look at our oceans, the whales have gone away
Corporations ran amok
Look at our planet, now just shades of grey
No one seems to give a f*ck

And colors are the thing that make the world better
I've been seeing things in black and white
If we work together we can live forever
If we do it right tonight

'Cause colors are the thing that make the world better
I've been seeing things in black and white
And if we work together we can live forever
If we do it right tonight

'Cause f*cking once again we'll call
We'll f*cking get rich on you mothertrucking
And one last time, you're going to f*cking die

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who's your daddy?

(Tenacious D)

JB: This has been in a really bad way like-

KG: I don’t like this

JB: This isn’t- this is probably gonna be our toughest challenge of all

KG: It’s insane

JB: I have an idea. Robot, attack! Take back the crystal!

Jables Jr: Oh man! Did I call you a shit head already? Good lord, you don’t think that’s part of the programming? Of course. Yeah. Hey robot, who- who- who’s your daddy?

Terminator: You are. I’m sorry guys. I really came to like you over the last couple of weeks, but eh- he’s right. It’s built into my program

Jables Jr: Shut your f*ckin’ trap!

Terminator: Sorry guys. I can do nothing

JB: Robot

KG: I guess this it

Jables Jr: I’ma torture you. And then I’ma kill ya. But before I begin the torture death, I’m gonna sing you a rad song based upon this current situation. Drop a beat Terminator

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JB JR RAP

(Tenacious D)

[Jables Jr.]
Brrah!
Yeah!

You see this here green crystal
It's call the Crystal of Gilgamesh
It crashed 12,000 years ago
Near the city known as Budapest
And he who holds the crystal
Is a motherf*ckin' Fu Manchu
And now that I have the power
I'm gonna lord it over you
I'm like a God man
With the powers of the anti-Christ
Now beg me for forgiveness
Or you're gonna be sacrificed
My name is Jables Jr
I've got the power of a thousand suns
With the alien technology
Yeah, I'm the chosen one

Jamming out because I'm rocking
Rocking with my jam
Can't stop my jam, motherf*cker
My f*ckin' jam is the best jam in the world
Motherf*cker, yeah
Yeah
Yeah

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WOMAN TIME

(Tenacious D)

Stop right there
We’re f*cking taking the power
Woman time
The clock is striking the hour

[Chorus]
We’re gonna take your crystal ball and all its power
We’re gonna crush your family jewels and watch you cower

Alright!

I got chance
You set the planet on fire
Watch it burn
This is your funeral pyre

We’re gonna take your crystal ball and all it’s power
We’re gonna eat your Chinese food, sweet and sour

Ahh
Ahh-ha
Ahh-ha
Ahh-ha-ha-ha-oh
Ow!

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SAVE THE WORLD

(Tenacious D)

Save the world, save the world
You've got to save the world
Save the world
All the boys and girls
From around the world
You've got to save the world
Save the world

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POST-APOCALYPTO THEME (REPRISE)

(Tenacious D)

Apocalypto, fight to prevail
Apocalypto, if we fight we cannot fail
Got to find that holy grail
Kayay!

Apocalypto, fight to survive
Apocalypto, got to find some way to thrive
Don't you give us any jive