The Speed Test Lyrics - Thoroughly Modern Millie Soundtrack
Thoroughly Modern Millie Soundtrack Lyrics
The Speed Test Lyrics
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: To Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax. You'll find an invoice in the file for the address. "Dear Mr. Hudson." Colon.
(Sings)
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation,
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation.
When the floor wax that we bought from you arrived here Monday morning,
We discovered upon usage that the fume should have a warning.
Since the only possibility is that your wax is rancid,
I request a full refund of all the money we
(an elaborate vocal flourish)
advan-ced.
(back to business)
And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter,
We will take our business elsewhere, so I hope you solve this matter.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: How's my speed, Miss Dillmount?
Millie: A little slow, perhaps.
Mr. Graydon: Ah...
(Sings at faster tempo)
Enclosed you'll find a small container of the stuff I talk about,
just carefully remove the lid and take e a whiff if you've in doubt.
I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office was affected by your vapors,
Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter
Full of strong recommendations that you make your floor wax better.
I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid, and
If it does you may expect a bill. Sincerely, Trevor Graydon.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: Read that back to me, please.
Millie: Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson." Colon.
(Sings at a faster tempo)
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation,
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation.
When the floor wax that we bought from you arrived here Monday morning,
We discovered upon usage that the fume should have a warning.
Since the only possibility is that your wax is rancid,
I request a full refund of all the money we
(Imitating his elaborate vocal flourish)
Advan-ced.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: Nice!
(Millie continues)
And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter,
We will take our business elsewhere, so I hope you solve this matter.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: Not half bad. Please continue.
(Millie sings at a faster tempo)
Enclosed you'll find a small container of the stuff I talk about.
Just carefully remove the lid and take a whiff if you've a doubt.
I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office was affected by your vapors.
Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter
Full of strong recommendations that you make your floor wax better.
I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid, and
If it does, you may expect a bill, Sincerely, Trevor Graydon.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly?
Millie: Yes?
(Mr. Graydon sings)
If I could be so lucky as to have a good stenographer,
To keep this place as up-to-date as her short skirt and bobbed coiffure.
I wouldn't have to worry 'bout our soured office planking,
And could concentrate on generating profits ripe for banking.
That is why I'm testing you with this outrageous correspondence,
Which I don't intend to actually mail to the respondents.
(Spoken)
So,
(Sings)
If you can make sense of my unintelligible patter,
Then the job is yours and Hudson's floor wax really doesn't matter.
Millie: Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter? Matter, matter, matter, matter. Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter.
Mr. Graydon (at the same time):
Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter. Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter!
Miss Flannery and Stenogs (at the same time): Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat. Man your machine! Go!
(Millie types with Stenogs, but twice as fast, whom are clearly impressed. Fire Clerks and Speed Tappists challenge Millie with tap steps, which she executes flawlessly while continuing to type. As all but Millie dance, all freeze when...)
Mr. Graydon: Thirty seconds, Miss Dillmount. Flannery?!
(He says as he leaves with Miss Flannery following. All remain dancing until Mr. Graydon renters with Miss Flannery.)
Mr. Graydon: Time!
(Mr. Graydon yanks the letter from Millie's typewriter as everyone gather round him. He reads the letter.)
Mr. Graydon: "Dear Mr. Hudson."
Miss Flannery and Office Workers: Colon.
(Sings at an even faster tempo, while Miss Flannery and Office Workers sing "Matter" repeatedly)
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation,
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation.
When the floor wax that we bought from you arrived here Monday morning,
We discovered upon usage that the fume should have a warning.
Since the only possibility is that your wax is rancid,
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced.
And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter, we will take our business elsewhere, so I hope you solve this matter.
Miss Flannery and Stenogs: So I hope you solve this matter, so I hope you solve this matter. Matter, matter, matter, matter. So I hope you solve this matter. Matter, matter, matter, matter.
File Clerks and Speed Tappists (at the same time): "So I hope you solve this matter. Matter, matter, matter, matter.
So I hope you solve this matter.
Miss Flannery and Office Workers: So I hope you sovlve this matter.
So I hope you solve this matter.
So I hope you solve this matter. Matter, matter, matter, matter!
(Spoken)
Mr Graydon: Going on!
(Continues reading letter. He sings as fast as possible while clearly enunciating every word. Everyone stays silent and listens.)
Enclosed you'll find a smaller container of the stuff I talk about,
Just carefully remove the lid and take a whiff, if you've in doubt.
I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office was affected by your vapors.
Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter
Full of strong recommendations that you make your floor wax better.
I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid, and If it does, you may expect a bill. Sincerely, Trevor Graydon.
(A dramatic pause, then to Millie.)
You have made the team, Miss Dillmount!
Miss Flannery and Office Workers: You have made the team, Miss Dillmount!
(Millie, To Office Workers)
Tell me where my desk is, where we eat lunch, how much I'll be paid. And nice to meet you, I know we'll be friends, just call me Millie Graydon.
All Minus Millie: Millie Graydon?
(Spoken)
Millie: I mean Dillmount!
(Sing)
All Minus Millie: Millie Dillmount?
(Spoken to herself)
Millie: Someday Graydon.
(Sing)
All Minus Millie: Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount? Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount?
(Spoken)
Millie: Graydon!
(All Sings.)
Aaaaaah!
[Thanks to michaelc2021 for correcting these lyrics]
Mr. Graydon: To Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax. You'll find an invoice in the file for the address. "Dear Mr. Hudson." Colon.
(Sings)
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation,
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation.
When the floor wax that we bought from you arrived here Monday morning,
We discovered upon usage that the fume should have a warning.
Since the only possibility is that your wax is rancid,
I request a full refund of all the money we
(an elaborate vocal flourish)
advan-ced.
(back to business)
And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter,
We will take our business elsewhere, so I hope you solve this matter.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: How's my speed, Miss Dillmount?
Millie: A little slow, perhaps.
Mr. Graydon: Ah...
(Sings at faster tempo)
Enclosed you'll find a small container of the stuff I talk about,
just carefully remove the lid and take e a whiff if you've in doubt.
I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office was affected by your vapors,
Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter
Full of strong recommendations that you make your floor wax better.
I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid, and
If it does you may expect a bill. Sincerely, Trevor Graydon.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: Read that back to me, please.
Millie: Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson." Colon.
(Sings at a faster tempo)
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation,
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation.
When the floor wax that we bought from you arrived here Monday morning,
We discovered upon usage that the fume should have a warning.
Since the only possibility is that your wax is rancid,
I request a full refund of all the money we
(Imitating his elaborate vocal flourish)
Advan-ced.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: Nice!
(Millie continues)
And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter,
We will take our business elsewhere, so I hope you solve this matter.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: Not half bad. Please continue.
(Millie sings at a faster tempo)
Enclosed you'll find a small container of the stuff I talk about.
Just carefully remove the lid and take a whiff if you've a doubt.
I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office was affected by your vapors.
Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter
Full of strong recommendations that you make your floor wax better.
I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid, and
If it does, you may expect a bill, Sincerely, Trevor Graydon.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly?
Millie: Yes?
(Mr. Graydon sings)
If I could be so lucky as to have a good stenographer,
To keep this place as up-to-date as her short skirt and bobbed coiffure.
I wouldn't have to worry 'bout our soured office planking,
And could concentrate on generating profits ripe for banking.
That is why I'm testing you with this outrageous correspondence,
Which I don't intend to actually mail to the respondents.
(Spoken)
So,
(Sings)
If you can make sense of my unintelligible patter,
Then the job is yours and Hudson's floor wax really doesn't matter.
Millie: Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter? Matter, matter, matter, matter. Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter.
Mr. Graydon (at the same time):
Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter. Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter!
Miss Flannery and Stenogs (at the same time): Hudson's floor wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter.
(Spoken)
Mr. Graydon: I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat. Man your machine! Go!
(Millie types with Stenogs, but twice as fast, whom are clearly impressed. Fire Clerks and Speed Tappists challenge Millie with tap steps, which she executes flawlessly while continuing to type. As all but Millie dance, all freeze when...)
Mr. Graydon: Thirty seconds, Miss Dillmount. Flannery?!
(He says as he leaves with Miss Flannery following. All remain dancing until Mr. Graydon renters with Miss Flannery.)
Mr. Graydon: Time!
(Mr. Graydon yanks the letter from Millie's typewriter as everyone gather round him. He reads the letter.)
Mr. Graydon: "Dear Mr. Hudson."
Miss Flannery and Office Workers: Colon.
(Sings at an even faster tempo, while Miss Flannery and Office Workers sing "Matter" repeatedly)
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation,
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation.
When the floor wax that we bought from you arrived here Monday morning,
We discovered upon usage that the fume should have a warning.
Since the only possibility is that your wax is rancid,
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced.
And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter, we will take our business elsewhere, so I hope you solve this matter.
Miss Flannery and Stenogs: So I hope you solve this matter, so I hope you solve this matter. Matter, matter, matter, matter. So I hope you solve this matter. Matter, matter, matter, matter.
File Clerks and Speed Tappists (at the same time): "So I hope you solve this matter. Matter, matter, matter, matter.
So I hope you solve this matter.
Miss Flannery and Office Workers: So I hope you sovlve this matter.
So I hope you solve this matter.
So I hope you solve this matter. Matter, matter, matter, matter!
(Spoken)
Mr Graydon: Going on!
(Continues reading letter. He sings as fast as possible while clearly enunciating every word. Everyone stays silent and listens.)
Enclosed you'll find a smaller container of the stuff I talk about,
Just carefully remove the lid and take a whiff, if you've in doubt.
I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office was affected by your vapors.
Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter
Full of strong recommendations that you make your floor wax better.
I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid, and If it does, you may expect a bill. Sincerely, Trevor Graydon.
(A dramatic pause, then to Millie.)
You have made the team, Miss Dillmount!
Miss Flannery and Office Workers: You have made the team, Miss Dillmount!
(Millie, To Office Workers)
Tell me where my desk is, where we eat lunch, how much I'll be paid. And nice to meet you, I know we'll be friends, just call me Millie Graydon.
All Minus Millie: Millie Graydon?
(Spoken)
Millie: I mean Dillmount!
(Sing)
All Minus Millie: Millie Dillmount?
(Spoken to herself)
Millie: Someday Graydon.
(Sing)
All Minus Millie: Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount? Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount?
(Spoken)
Millie: Graydon!
(All Sings.)
Aaaaaah!
[Thanks to michaelc2021 for correcting these lyrics]
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