You Can't Trust a Man Lyrics

(Performed by Fred Applegate (Constable Joe), Michael Wartella (Hugo)

Hugo:
Look at him go!
I'd hate to let him get too far ahead...

Constable Joe:
Well, a fella dressed in yellow isn't gonna be too hard to track

Hugo:
Sure isn't a nice yellow

Constable Joe:
Hugo,
There's not such thing as nice yellow
I don't know, Hugo, I gotta bad feeling it's all gonna come apart like wet bread

[sung]
You can't trust a man dressed in yellow
Hugo,
Only a rogue wears that hue
A man who is fondest
Of suits that are jaundest
Puts the yoke on him
And the joke
On you
They're tricksy,
All men dressed in yellow,
Something deadly in their livelihood
He must be compensating

Hugo:
Also fabricating

Constable Joe:
[laughs]
Hugo,
There you go again!
"Fabricating"
If he hated the fabric he would have never bought the suit

[sung]
He must be compensating

Hugo:
Also,
Lying

Both: 'bout why he wants the Foster's wood

Constable Joe:
Oh you can't trust a man dressed in yellow
That I knew from his very first "hello"
I should have locked him in a cell, oh

Both:
You can't trust a man-

Hugo:
From the carnival!

Constable Joe:
Also,
Carnival men can't be trusted
Something wicked there brews underneath
Those inbreds' regalia
With mad backanalia
They all share, maybe, eight teeth
I say,
Carnival men can't be trusted!
Flashy hobos, invading our towns
They ask my permission
To charge an admission
To expose us to Charlatans, acrobats and-
[stuttering]
c-c-clu

Hugo:
Clowns, sir?

Constable Joe:
[exhales deeply]
I hate them

Carnival men can't be trusted!
They're all acutely maladjusted
Who knows how their funnel cakes is dusted

Both:
No you can't trust a man-

Hugo:
With a bad handshake!

Constable Joe:
Did you notice his peculiar handshake?
His fingers neither flaccid nor firm

Hugo:
Like touching a porpoise

Constable Joe:
No, maybe a Scorpus
Keep that fish-

Hugo: Mammal

Constable Joe:
From serving full term.
Bad handshake, bad man

Both:
Watching if his grip lacks a squeeze

Constable Joe:
And a carnival man can't be trusted

Hugo:
As shifty as a swinging trapeze

Both:
And you can't trust a man dressed in yellow!
Even if you love cheddar cheese
You'll see the recipe,
One bad man
One bad man
One bad man

Constable Joe:
Come along, Hugo
Let's pick up the pace.