[ Featuring Primus ]
In 1986, the University of California Davis, sought two of the
All-time brightest stars,
Dr. Alphonze Mephesto, and Dr. Arny Abe Sacrabin,
Dr. Mephesto worked hard toward his thesis,
His goal was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of asparagus,
So that all asparagus would grow to the same girth and length,
Giving asparagus a much more pleasant presentation in the world's
Supermarket vegetable business.
Dr. Abe Sacrabin's goal was to genetically create the greatest musical
Entertainer the world had ever seen,
Dr. Abe Sacrabin knew that if he could assemble the right elements he
Could theoretically build a DNA structure,
That would ensure his creation of talent far surpassing the average individual.
At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that Michael
Jackson, in a effort to
Retain his youthful look and feminine vocal characteristics had his
Testicles surgically removed,
Thereby making him a modern day Castrato,
If such a rumor were true,
Michael Jackson more than likely would have some of his semen preserved
Before the surgery to insure the future of his name and lineage.
Word came back to Dr. Abe Sacrabin,
Of a secret cold storage locker
Deep within the bowels of a used UCLA research center,
That not only contained four containers of frozen semen,
But also held a pair of testicles each was labeled with the name, Jack Michaelson.
I once heard a noise, In the night the most sentuaint voice,
The song of love from an angelic boy, stuck in my head,
And this is what he said
"I am gopher boy, pondering reality,
I am gopher boy, Who will buy my raspberries?"
This had to be the seed of the king of pop,
Dr. Abe Sacrabin was able to use his charm and chiseled great features
To woo a young lab technician by the name of Jennifer,
Who of course just happened to have the proper access needed to obtain a
Small vile of the precious semen.
The search for the egg was a short one,
Dr. Mephesto simply ran an ad in the classified section of an LA Music
Magazine. The ad read,
"Wanted, unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment.
Donors must have musical background."
With a plethora of young eager wannabe musical stardoms,
Willing to sell their eggs,
The two doctors, after rigorous auditioning, picked and purchased.
Dr. Abe Sacrabin felt that it would be far less complicated legally,
If the fetus was brought to term in the womb of a non human.
He had long since secured the services of the University Volleyball
Mascot,
A llama by the name of Missy.
When the baby was ready,
The child was removed via cesarean.
It was a healthy baby boy, and he was named Kevin.
I once heard a noise, In the night the most sentuaint voice,
The song of love from an angelic boy, stuck in my head,
And this is what he said,
"I am gopher boy, pondering reality,
I am gopher boy, Who will buy my raspberries?"
Kevin was a beautiful child,
Dr. Abe Sacrabin sought to it that Kevin was trained by the best in all
Aspects of performing, his voice was golden
And had a sweetness to it that most males lacked.
He moved with grace and was able to moonwalk by the time he was three.
As Kevin grew with talent, Dr. Abe Sacrabin started noticing odd
Developments in his physical state.
When Kevin lost his baby teeth, his secondaries came in with a vengeance,
They were at least twice the size as a normal adult's and the two in
Front stuck nearly straight out, also as Kevin reached the 8th year,
He was the same height as he was when he was 4.
To top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous,
Even by adult standards.
It also dawned on the doctor
That even through all the years of hearing Kevin's singing,
He rarely spoke, often chosing
To communicate through various grunts and gurgles
I once heard a voice, In the night the most sentuaint voice,
The song of love from an angelic boy, stuck in my head,
And this is what he said,
"I am gopher boy, pondering reality,
I am Gopher Boy, who will buy my raspberries?"
Other's were noticing the changes in Kevin,
The children began to tease him, and call him "Gopher Boy".
One Day, a bully by the name of Big Roy, started throwing bananas at him,
Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas.
Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy and bit 3 fingers off on his left hand.
Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state,
Dr. Abe Sacrabin actions were found out,
But because there was no legislation concerning the genetic construction
Of another human being,
No criminal charges were brought forth.
The medical association's board of ethics stripped him of all his
Credentials and his reputation was ruined,
In fact, his name became so synonymous with failure,
That for years to come, med students around the world were known to say
In time of mishap,
"Damn, I feel just like Abe Sacrabin."
Dr. Mephesto immediately began proceeds to adopt little Kevin.
Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned asparagus,
It wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son.
They moved to Colorado, where they live in relative obscurity.
Kevin is still a boy, of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles,
But on occasion, if you listen closely, you can hear his sweet golden
Singing voice, ring out into the night, over the small town, of South Park.
"I am gopher boy pondering reality,
I am Gopher Boy, who will buy my raspberries?"
