Unknown - Doctors Lament Lyrics

The Doctor's Lament

The portions of a woman that appeal to Man's depravity
Are fashioned with considerable care;
And what at first appears to be a common little cavity
Is really an elaborate affair.
Now doctors of distinction have examined these phenomena
In numbers of experimental dames
And given to these ornaments of feminine abdomena
A number of delightful Latin names:
There's the vulva, the vagina and the jolly perineum
And the hymen in the case of certain brides;
And there's lots of other gadgets you'd just love if you could see'em
The clitoris and Christ knows what besides
Now isn't it a pity that when common people chatter
Of the mysteries to which I have referred
That they give to this so vital and so elegant a matter
Such a very short and unattractive word.

The Layman's Reply

The eminent authorities who study the geography
Of this obscure but interesting land
Are able to indulge a taste for feminine topography
And view the graphic details close at hand.
We ordinary people, though aware of the existence
Of complexities beyond the public knowle
Are usually content to view the details from a distance
And treat them, roughly speaking, as a whole.
Moreover when we laymen probe the depths of femininity
We exercise a simpler form of touch
And do not cloud the issue with superfluous minutia
But call the whole concern a such-and-such.
For men have made this useful but inelegant commodity
The subject of innumerable jibes
And while the name they call it by is something of an oddity
It seems to fit the object it describes.

The Woman's Retort
You erudite philosophers are really rather comical
Despite your pseudoscientific facts,
For all your heated arguments on matters anatomical
Have very little bearing on your acts.
You may agree to differ and make learned dissertations
On the relative importance of a name,
But we women find that when it comes to intimate relations
You reactions are essentially the same.
Moreover when you analyze, in phrases too meticulous
Our relatively simple little vent
You overlook the verbiage, so rude and so ridiculous
Which designates the gadgets of a gent.
But then perhaps it's 'cause you find the emblems of virility
So very, very difficult to hide,
That your jealousy induces you to scoff at our ability
To tuck away our privacies inside.