Okay
+
Listen up, I'm not gonna lie
+
Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly
+
Or scare a seagull off of a fry
+
You ever stop to ask yourselves "why?"
+
Both of you are super polite
+
Middle class, suburban, and white
+
Well, all of that is finished tonight
+
Except for the white part
+
Obviously
+
Take your places
+
I want scary faces
+
Now go
+
Bigger
+
Further
+
Harder
+
Not bad
+
Sever a head
+
Preferably someone you know
+
Look at me, I'm so scary (go)
+
Don't be so vanilla
+
Would a little anger kill ya?
+
Come on, drop your panties
+
I'm trying to fill you
+
With wisdom and skill
+
And the instinct to kill
+
Again, we do not want to kill anyone
+
Fine
+
But somehow, someway
+
You gotta make 'em see ya'
+
I'm talkin' jumpscares
+
The jerky Japanese ghost-walk
+
Plus
+
Learn to throw your voice
+
Fool your friends
+
Fun at parties
+
Now that is cool
+
I wanna do that
+
Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
+
Raising stakes by punching a baby
+
Scare 'em awake 'til they break
+
They'll be quaking in fright
+
'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you
+
Put all the farmer's markets behind you
+
You gotta work
+
Gotta haunt 'til it hurts
+
Through the night
+
And give those guys the fright of their lives
+
Yeah yeah
+
Let's start with things that you hate
+
Well, hate's a very strong word
+
Perhaps when people are late
+
Or getting pooped on by birds
+
No, what fills you with rage?
+
Being mean to a pet
+
Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette
+
Over-glutinous food
+
Or when kids call me "dude"
+
Oh, I find that so rude
+
Well, there's lots there to use
+
Take a deep breath
+
And give me your best primal scream
+
Ah!
+
Barbara, that was brilliant
+
Really?
+
Try it again
+
Maybe this time pretend like you mean it
+
Ah!
+
That was even better
+
Thanks
+
I want freedom
+
But to get my freedom I need 'em
+
To get a living person to say my name
+
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse?
+
I know that beggars can't be choosers
+
But do they have to be such losers?
+
Both of them are deathly dull and lame
+
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse
+
Why God, slash Satan, did you send these bedwetters?
+
Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better
+
Somebody with gravitas
+
Somebody to fear who
+
Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse
+
We can kind of hear you
+
Yeah?
+
Well that was a soliloquy, so you're the one who's being rude
+
Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
+
Turn all the lights on
+
Dress like a baby
+
Adam, I don't even, no
+
Get your heads in the game
+
Let's hide their phones
+
Screw their phones
+
Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless
+
How will I ever survive?
+
Unless they get the fright of their lives
+
(Yes yes, we're feelin' it, they'll never deal with it, we're killin' it)
+
They gotta get the fright of their lives
+
(We're scary, very very scary)
+
They'll never get the fright of their lives
+
(Yeah)
+
Ugh
+
