Allan Sherman - If I Could Play Piano Lyrics

If I could play the piano
Like I'd like to play the piano,
I would sit down at the piano,
And I'd play.
That's how I'd play the piano night and day.

If I could play the banjo
Like I'd like to play the banjo,
I'd go out and buy a banjo
And a pick.
I mean I'd play the banjo really slick.

If I could play the bongos,
I'd go get a set of drums.
I'd entertain my chums
And then they'd call me twinkle thumbs.

But I can't play the piano,
Or the banjo, or the bongos,
'Cause when I sit down to play
The people laugh.
So I guess I'll have to play my phonograph.

But my phonograph is broke,
My phonograph is broke,
My phonograph is broke,
I bought it in Hoboken,
They fixed it in Shamokin,
I mean it, I'm not jokin'.
My phonograph is broke,
Let's finish this, I'm chokin'.
I'm chokin' and I'm croakin'.
Hey, stop the music.
Stop the music.
Stop the music!
Stop the music!