cuddlegoon - nineteen Lyrics

My nineteenth year of life
It felt like everything happened at once
The first time someone touched my hips
My first time addicted to substances
My first time hiding cuts on wrists and thighs
Eyes wide, screaming at glass
Skeleton reflected back at me
You have to forge a life worth living
This isn't that
Over and over until the mirror shatters
Fragments screaming back at me
The law of equal reactions
The law of attraction
I deserve to slice my own skin
And dab it with a napkin
Wincing and wishing
I went to the store this weekend
To buy Neosporin
Leave it on pores to sink in
And keep me from scarring
But secretly I want scars
I want a physical representation
Of the years I've spent suffering
These are poke and stick tattoos
Flags, mottos, diatribes
No one can tell me this is
Just my mind anymore
It's readily visible
This pain is physical
The first and last time I hurt myself
I was nineteen
I'm not twenty yet
But I pray I might be twenty
Plus twenty plus twenty
Years in the future
Able to recite these
Lines again under oath
The first and last time I hurt myself
I was nineteen
The first and last time I hurt myself
I was nineteen
The first and last time I hurt myself
I was nineteen
And the first time I loved myself
I was nineteen