Dane Cook - The Nothing Fight Lyrics

Am i the only person here who loves to watch a couple together
That hates each others guts?
That has to be the most entertaining thing when you see two people
That just hate each other ..together,
And look we've all been there everybodys been in that situation
Where you will stay with somebody you dont even like them.
Two weeks in and already you like "pshh", no way.
I cant stand this peroson,
I'll hang around for 5 or 6 years then we can end this thing violantly.
I got time. Girls you make the craziest excuses to stay,
Your friends will try and get you out of it...
"Why dont you just go? Seriously Jill just go, Jill? He's a jerk off.
Just take your shit and go."
Your like "I cant just go Kim, its not that simple, my cd's are in his truck
I can't just walk away from 40 or 50 cd's.
Its gonna take 2 or 3 more years of a abuse until I can leave with my cd's."
That couple is the best, they fight over everything.
Every little thing- huge explosion.
And its not even about the thing, its about the fact that they wanna stab
Eachother in the neck with a steak knife because they hate eachother's
Existance. They get in what I call "nothing fights."
Fights about absolutely nothing.
Right, you see them waiting in line for the movie theatre.
They hold hands, but its not loving at all. Its like this rigamortis,
Romatioid athritis, red rover grip that they got going on.
And everything's an arguement.
"I should probably bring my jacket, I might get cold."
"You bring your f*cking jacket. Ya think. Do ya think?
Yes. What if they're pumpin' AC in there, and then your cold
I have to go out and I miss the previews cause I gotta get your
F*ckin' jacket. Bring your jacket."
I love nothing fights. The best nothing fight I have ever seen in my life.
I was at the supermarket a few months ago and I'm going down the aisle
And I'm at the Stoffer's Fresh Bread Pizzas,
And I'm deciding do I want four cheese or one cheese.
Cause sometimes, I like a lot of cheese. Sometimes,
I like a dancing pluffera of cheese in my mouth.
And then sometimes, I'm into a more solo cheese adventure.
Just a single, one on one. Me and one cheese.
Then sometimes I want an orgy of cheese on my plate.
So as I'm standing there, contemplating my cheese future,
I hear the nothing fight going on in the next aisle.
I dont know exactly what they are saying, but I hear mumbles and
Grumbles.
Ok. I hear the guy going "*grumbles*" and I hear the girl she's like
[girl voice] "*grumbles*care...*more grumbles* care...I dont even care...
*even more grumbles*care.." [guy] "*grumbles*...care.
I dont even care *grumbles again* care..."
I hear the nothing fight. I start getting so excited.
I'm like I gotta go watch this, I gotta go see this.
I'm so excited I leave my cart. You never leave your cart.
God forbid somebody comes into the store and wants exactly that shit.
And they're like "What. Jackpot. This is everything I wanted."
I'm peeking around the Intimate cookies and I'm watching the best nothing
Fight that I've ever been a part of.
They're in eachother's face. Ok, and the guy is saying to the girl and
He's doing it like this
"Do we have any jelly in the house? Do we or do we not have jelly.
You said we did last time. I'm looking in the cabinets and I dont see
Any god damn jelly. I just wanna know if we have any jelly in the house."
And she's egging him on, she's like [girl voice]
"I dont even like jelly. I dont even like jelly. I get hives if I even look at
Jelly. Wha--I dont even know about jelly. I've never even--What is jelly.
I dont even care." And he's like
"I dont even give a shit about the hives. I want jelly in the f*ckin' house.
Stat. Pronto. Tonite. I dont give a--I will break your neck and pour
Jelly all over your body and pray to the gods of jelly to burn your soul
In a jelly like hell. Now get the jelly!"
I'm so excited, I'm eating the Intimates out of the box.
I've opened a box and I am eating.
"I'll pay for it. Relax. I know you're concerned, but I paid."
This is the point during the nothing fight that I like to get involved.
I have to get involved and I have to say something.
Just a little jab, a little poke that will fuel the fire.
And help take it to the next level. As they're going back and forth,
I walk buy them, I lean in, and I go like this,
"hey dude, dude, dude, I know what you mean about the jelly bro.
Tell this twat to get jelly. Now."
[guy] "See, see! Get the jelly-Uh, whats that word again?
What, Twat! Good word. Thanks bro. I didnt ev- I forgot about that word.
GET THE JELLY TWAT! Great word dude, great word. Twat. Yes."