[ Featuring The Congress of Wonders ]
KWIRK
Captain?s log; Stardate: 3.142857--Aw, forget about it! This is Captain Kwirk on the Starship Intercourse. Thrusting its way through space, on another penetrating mission.
(?Alleluia? song is playing.)
HUNKIE
Captain! Captain! What?s that in space ahead?
KWIRK
Huh? Oh no, it?s another space tricky! Darn this solar system anyway! Nothing but space trickys. Get the phasers on that bird.
HUNKIE
Captain! Captain! All the stars have gone out!
KWIRK
No, you fool! You?ve leaned on the button! Turn the viewer back on! Now get the phasers on that bird.
LOUD VOICE
I am an Angel of the Lord!
KWIRK
(the effects slow down like a record)
Yeow! That baked him good!
HUNKIE
Oh wow, it looks just like Thanksgiving out there!
KWIRK
Don?t think about it, Lt. Hunkie!
HUNKIE
I can?t help thinking about it. Last Thanksgiving was rotten. Just that food supplement pill with ?turkey? written on it. It?s not the same, Captain. It?s not the same.
KWIRK
Turn off the view screen, we?re out here and this is where we are.
HUNKIE
Why can?t I think about it? I?m an officer, too.
KWIRK
You?ve got enough to think about, you?ve got a whole dashboard to take care of.
SMOCK
Captain, have your (?) space turkey has knocked up slightly off course.
KWIRK
Well, Lemon...
SMOCK
It?s Leh-meen, sir.
KWIRK
Now we must get back on course.
SMOCK
It?s Leh-meen, sir, did you hear me say that?
KWIRK
Nah--uh--why-yes--uh--uh, Lie-nen, uh, but we must get back on course.
SMOCK
Yes sir, we must get back on course, do you want to check the reading?
KWIRK
Aw yes, let me see, the ?quick brown fox.?
SMOCK
That is the wrong reading, I?ll check this.
KWIRK
Oh, oh, I see, yah, yes, n-now my communicator. Get me engineering.
EUBANGDERE
That?s my box, Captain!
KWIRK
Oh, oh, pardon me, Lt. Eubangdere! Allow me to apologize pro flu slay.
EUBANGDERE
Just take your hand off my box.
SMOCK
Captain?
KWIRK
Yes, Smock?
SMOCK
May I remind you that since we are traveling at a rate of Walk Factor III, that our collision with that turkey, thirty-eight seconds ago, that has put us 13 billion miles off course.
KWIRK
Well, good heavens, Smock, why wasn?t I told him this earlier? This is the Captain speaking, connect me with engineering.
EUBANGDERE
I?m sorry, but that line is busy.
KWIRK
This is the Captain. Give me engineering.
EUBANGDERE
I?m sorry, sir, but that line is busy.
KWIRK
But I have a direct line, I?m the Captain. Operator! Operator! Operator! Did you hear that, Smock? Are my people putting me on?
SMOCK
I don?t know, sir. As you know I am the Vulgarian and jokes are beyond me. (chuckle)
KWIRK
Hmmmm...That?s the first time I?ve ever heard him laugh. Hmph! Oh, wait a minute, we must contact engineering. My God, 15 billion miles off course
SMOCK
23 billion miles off course now, sir, if my calculations are correct. And they always are.
KWIRK
This is the Captain speaking. Give me engineering.
(The party music is playing. People are chattering.)
PARTY GUY
Come here, try some of this!
PARTY GIRL
Would you blow up my balloons? Flash!
(Captain Kwirk clears his throat.)
PARTY GUY
Shhh! Cut it! Everybody be quiet!
KWIRK
This is the Captain speaking.
PARTY GUY
(on ?Captain?)
Shut up!
HUNKIE
Who is it?
KWIRK
It?s the Captain! We?re 23 billion miles off course!
SMOCK
29 billion.
KWIRK
29 billion----Operator! Operator!
EUBANGDERE
I?m sorry, sir, but that line is busy, heh!
KWIRK
Smock, we don?t realize what a mess we?re in 29 billion miles off course.
LIMEY
(stupid voice)
Captain, this is engineering, Lt. Limey speaking. Do you realize we?re 34 billion miles off course?
KWIRK
Limey, I just called you! What?s going on down there?
SMOCK
Captain, according to my calculations, we?re 38 billion miles off course.
KWIRK
Thank you, Smock!!!
SMOCK
Why are you pinching your eyes together, Captain? It doesn?t help the situation or does it have any physiological effect? Highly illogical behavior. Tsk, tsk, tsk! You?ve heard me.
(Kwirk sighs in grief.)
LIMEY
Captain, where did you go? We?re 45 billion miles off course.
KWIRK
I?m still here, Limey. Lt. Eubangdere, have the computer compu--course correction coordinates, engineering, curse creation--coor--crea--curs--uuh--engineering standby.
LIMEY
It?s about time, Captain, by now we must be 52 billion miles off course. They?re traveling faster than lightning.
KWIRK
Lt. Eubangdere, where are the course readings, eh? Where? Lt. Eubangdere--uh...Where in the hell did she go?
HUNKIE
She went to church, sir!
KWIRK
Church!? She can?t be, it?s Tuesday afternoon!
HUNKIE
It?s her sect, do you know?
KWIRK
I am aware of her sex, lieutenant!
HUNKIE
No, no, her sect, her sect, she?s among with a poodle-lay(???) you know Kimiwaukee-too-long(???)
KWIRK
Ugh! When will it ever end?
HUNKIE
Captain! Captain! All the stars have gone out!
KWIRK
Lt. Hunkie, if you lean on that button once more, I will have you ejected into hyperspace through the garbage chute!!! Take over the controls, Smock! I?ll find Lt. Eubangdere myself!
SMOCK
Aye aye, sir!
KWIRK
Aw, let?s see, where did she go now?
SMOCK
She?s in the ship?s saps!
KWIRK
The ship?s what?!
SMOCK
The chapel, the meditation area. Although I personally find religion highly illogical.
KWIRK
(sigh) Uhh, I?ll have to take the elevator down. Aw these problems! You see I?m never on this level. Uh, maybe it?s in here.
EUBANGDERE
Oh my way, oh my way, oh my way...
KWIRK
You can?t do that in there, this is the broom closet!
SMOCK
We?re engaged!
KWIRK
Well, disengaging report back to your stations. Humph! Oh, I must be down the corner to the left. Oh, I?ve got to stop talking to myself.
SINGERS
Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah-teeng-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang! Alive men!(?)
KWIRK
Uh, but...but where?s Lt. Eubangdere? Chaplan! Chaplan!
CHAPLAN
There?s a Room 70...???
KWIRK
Aaaahh! Oh! That mask, you scared me! I thought this was the act--uh--uh--the chapel!
CHAPLAN
I?m sorry, I didn?t mean to startle you! Since there?s only one chapel on the Starship Intercourse. I become very indebt as a number of different religious service.
KWIRK
Oh.
CHAPLAN
I?m afraid I get quite in mast in my role. Oops, there, I?ve spattered blood all over your tights.
KWIRK
Yech!
CHAPLAN
Don?t worry, it?s only pig blood it comes off with a little lemon and salt. You know it?s really wonderful to be a Chaplan in outer space.
KWIRK
Huh?
CHAPLAN
Space is so wonderful! So vast! So infant! So religious! I was just thinking the other day when I was doing the terrible complicated Flip-Ziggy(??) services for the worshipers from Zakaan?s...
KWIRK
Zakaan?s...
CHAPLAN
Oh! Which reminds me, Captain, that is a mind of extremely important so of which I must speak to you.
KWIRK
Huh?
CHAPLAN
It is the matter of the psychic moral of the ship...
KWIRK
Who?
CHAPLAN
Many of the mystic men. How do Americans say it? The little people?
KWIRK
Huh?
CHAPLAN
Or undergoing a great deal of strange...implants(???) are ruining about the ship. Some of the men are saying that the dietician is putting the salt Peter in the food supplement tablets.
KWIRK
Mmmm...
CHAPLAN
Then, there is the problem of beaming down.
KWIRK
Huh?
CHAPLAN
The mystic men feel that it does not fear that only officers get to leave the ship.
KWIRK
Huh?
CHAPLAN
There as they put it, going stir crazy acquainted, don?t you agree?
KWIRK
Uh-uh.
CHAPLAN
I even just alone to go dirty religious service, I overheard a room out to the effect. The ship is over 125 billion miles off course.
KWIRK
It is?
CHAPLAN
It is. Isn?t that wonderful? Space is so vast! There are so many possibilities.
KWIRK
Chaplan, this is an emergency! I-I-I must speak with Lt. Eubangdere!
CHAPLAN
Oh dear, she seems to have left.
KWIRK
Oh! (g-are-are-are-are!)
CHAPLAN
Well I?ll bet she?s back in the control room right now. You know, if you keep calm instead of turning purple like that, only your problems would solve themselves.
SMOCK
Captain?
KWIRK
What is it, Smock?
SMOCK
We?ve located Lt. Eubangdere, he?s locked in the woman?s room on Level 4.
KWIRK
Oh no!
SMOCK
We?ve sent a janitor over there with a skeleton key, we should have her out in any moment.
KWIRK
But this is an emergency! Can?t you do anything faster? Can?t you blast her out?
SMOCK
But the woman?s room on Level 4 is only three by three. We wouldn?t want to reduce her to atoms, that would be illogical.
KWIRK
Listen, Smock! We must at--quickly the ship is already 125 billion miles off course!
SMOCK
140 billion miles off course!
KWIRK
Well--W--We must do something quickly, anyway! Say, can?t you operate the computers yourself?
SMOCK
Of course, I can operate the computers, I am the Vulgarian!
KWIRK
Well why didn?t you?
SMOCK
You didn?t ask me, after all, I?m only the Squire, rule of the night, you didn?t order me, Captain!
KWIRK
Listen, Pixie-ears! Get on that computer!!!!!
EUBANGDERE
The price is ten more cents or another five, or three minutes! Whoopee!
KWIRK
I?ve really got to have that operator replaced! Excuse me, Chaplan, I must return to the bridge!
CHAPLAN
Y?all we watch over you! Now how am I to be with you? I?m a ga--uh--guide your error. May this shnook be with in you.(?) Let Christ be above you. And they unbleed(??) of the seven rooms light your way.
KWIRK
Uh, if only I can get up to the main control room in time.
(Controls had gone bad.)
KWIRK
Now, Smock, how?s the computer doing?
SMOCK
I?m programming it now, something seems to be wrong, listen to this...Maybe if I do this...
(Telephone line going fast.)
HUNKIE
Captain! Captain! All the lights have gone out!
KWIRK
Take your hands away from your eyes, Lt. Hunkie. All right, damage control, give me an estimate on the damage.
SMOCK
Well, Captain, it?s easily $27,000,000 worth of damage.
HUNKIE
Uh...$27,000,000 worth of damage?! Grrrr!
SMOCK
Well, actually, it?s only one tube that costs fifteen cents, but the service charge is enormous since the result of many light years away from the service area. That is provided and they can find us anyway seeing us we?re 200 billion miles off course.
EUBANGDERE
What?s going on here?
KWIRK
Lt. Eubangdere! If you leave the control room again without telling me! I?ll--I?ll--
EUBANGDERE
Urgent! (crying) Oh--oh--ah--oh, that?s the way you feel about it! I quit!
KWIRK
Oh! Oh no! Oh! I--I don?t--I don?t feel that way! No--here, have a seat, make yourself comfy, oh, you look nice this afternoon--evening--morning--whatever it is, it?s so hard to tell on ship boarding. When did I say ?blast? anyhow?
EUBANGDERE
Why are you pinching your eyes together like that, Captain Homie?
KWIRK
Can you fix the computer? Please!?!?
EUBANGDERE
Well, of course, I?ll just stick these little old bobby pin in here!
(The fast telephone line stops.)
KWIRK
Oh, thank God! Oh! Standby for change of course!
RANDOM SHOUTING
Engineering!
KWIRK
Oh no!
LIMEY
Lawyers in here(????) It?s the cops!
EUBANGDERE
Put your clothes on, Limey!
LIMEY
It?s the light and the viewers not turned on.
KWIRK
Standby for new co-ordinance!
LIMEY
What?s he talking about?
EUBANGDERE
I?m so high!
KWIRK
Limey? You?re demoted!
LIMEY
Oh ho ho, well then you?ll have to get someone else, won?t you? (chuckle)
KWIRK
Oh, oh, oh, no, no! You?re not demoted! Uh--uh--You?re--You?re advanced! Just get us back on course!
MOBSTER number one
(banging on the elevator door)
Hey! Let?s track ?em down!
KWIRK
Hey, what?s that sound on the elevator?
(The crowd breaks out yelling!)
KWIRK
What are you people doing here? You aren?t allowed on the bridge! You aren?t even off the surface!
MOBSTER number two
Just stick it up your asteroid, Captain Kwirk!
MOBSTER number three
Hit me! Hit me!
MOBSTER number four
They overlook my claustrophobia! Keep going!
MOBSTER number one
Freedom, now!
EUBANGDERE
I?m lonely, I?m this so small! I?m so skimpy!
KWIRK
I?m tired of trying to scan this in free-for-alls!
(Whoosh! Boom! Another fast telephone line.)
MOBSTERS
Me too!
MOBSTER number two
Up your asteroid!
SMOCK
In your nimbulin!(???) Take him down to the beam room! Let?s get ?em off the ship!
KWIRK
Lieutenant! It?s me, sir, Matzo(???), Hunkie, get these people out of here!
MOBSTERS
Take over! Take over! Take over! Take over!
KWIRK
Smock! Smock! Hah! He?s unconscious!
SMOCK
Take him to the beam room!
KWIRK
Hold your hands!
(Fast telephone line stops.)
SMOCK
Now, Captain, we?re going to beam you down to one of the large asteroids in the feminine cluster. Well of course in form of space trawl of your co-ordinance, but since we are quarters of trillion miles off course. Guard knows when he?ll find you.
KWIRK
You can?t do this!
(WHIIIIIZZZZZZZZ!!!! Chipmunks soundalike!)
MAGGIE McAPRON
Stardate: 3.14285--Aw, the heck with it! This is laundry assistant third class, Maggie McApron, we?ve taken over, the ship is ours! We?re setting out for the planet Euphoria! We?re going to get off this blasted thing and have some fun!
(The crowd cheers.)
MAGGIE McAPRON
Whoopee! Euphoria! Fingers on my thimbles, make the noise!
(The crowd cheers.)
MAGGIE McAPRON
Ooh-we-de-two-de to deal with all the boys. Ah ha ha ha!
SMOCK
Ah ha ha ha!
