Ethel Cain - Portrait of My Love on Her Knees Lyrics

Here I am in California wondering if you're still alive
Thought i had escaped the pain that brought the rain and made me drive
Past your house at night alone, I reeked to death of alcohol
Barbital is washing out my brain
I f*cked up and god I know it, but can you at least let me try
I feel so embarrassed even caring if you live or die
Crying on the back porch while you looked away and told me
We'll make it work or won't make it all
(Hey. It's me. I've been thinking about you. I hope you're alright.
I miss you, I do. I wish you were here. But I understand. Take care of yourself, ok?)
You need time, I know, but jesus, is this all you think of me
A portrait of my love in all white and on her knees
I'll go back to California, bleeding but I still survived
Maybe you were never mine at all