Noël Coward - His Excellency Regrets Lyrics

Oh, tell us please
Entirely confidentially
How A.D.C.s
Are trained in social grace.
It's awfully brave
Daily to be called upon to save
His Excellency's face!

Any explanations
Of the duties of an A.D.C.
Prove the complications
That are rife at Government House.
Certain situations
We could never let a lady see,
There are strange vibrations
In the life at Government House.
Truth is often sacrificed for reasons of diplomacy.

That of course we understand
But all the same it must be grand
To be
So suave, so calm, so dignified!

If you knew what all that signified-we-
Who break the Ninth Commandment every day
Would hang our heads in shame and say
Forgive-we have to live
Officially on feet of clay.
Every minute
We're made to sin it
Is really very depraved,
But to Hell
With the lies we tell,
His Excellency's honour must be saved.

His Excellency regrets
That owing to an attack of Gout
He really dare not venture out
On Saturday to dine.
His Excellency regrets
That owing to doctor's orders he
Cannot attend the Mission tea
And also must decline
Your kind invitation
For Wednesday week.
A slight operation
And poor circulation
Combined with a weedy physique
Has made him unable to speak.
All this in addition to what
The Doctors describe as a 'Clot'
Which may disappear
By the end of the year
But may, very possibly, not!
His Excellency regrets
That owing to his exalted state
He can no more associate
With amiable brunettes.
Walk up-walk up-we're willing to take your bets
That that's one of the principal things His Excellency regrets!

So now we know
About the Diplomatic Corps,
How it can so
Corrupt the soul of youth.
What happens if
Some day you give the waiting world a whiff
Of plain, unvarnished truth?

His Excellency regrets
That, failing a better alibi,
He must admit he'd rather die
Than open your Bazaar.
His Excellency regrets
That, lacking enough official scope,
He can't disband the Band of Hope
No matter where they are.
He frankly despises
The people he rules,
His gorge also rises
When giving the prizes
At co-educational schools
To rows of illiterate fools.
And if you should write in the book
He'll give you a murderous look.
For it ruins his day
To be taken away
From his rod and his line and his hook!
His Excellency regrets
He hasn't enough to run the house
Or pay the staff-or feed a mouse
Upon the pay he gets
Heigho-heigho-he's up to his ears in debts
But that's one of the least of the things His Excellency regrets!