Pain - The Song Of The Seven Inch Cowboy Lyrics

I'm a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns
Five'll get you ten
I betcha never seen one

Well I'm a seven inch cowboy
How do you be?
And I'm used to people gawking and a-staring at me
But I wasn't always so gol-darned wee
Let me tell you my story
You can listen for free

For seven long years
Now thats a year for every inch I stand
I've traveled small and lonely down the byways of this giant land
Like a country western Lilliputian too afraid to stop
I'm at the bottom of the food chain whereas I once was at the top

I wandered on foot, my horse had done abandoned me
And every town I come to's like a terrible dream
The other cowboys mocked me and spit tobacco like meteors
Watching me dodge em and laughing at my small squeaky scream

I went to a saloon to get a drink, they wouldn't serve me
They stuffed me in a glass and slid me up and down the bar
And all the barroom women gathered round and had their way with me
They sang a song both cold and mean cause thats how women are

They sang a man can pan for gold and strike it rich and be a millionaire
Or ride the rodeo and be the best one at it anywhere
Drive a brand new car, be a movie star
Size is all that counts and there you are

And I'm a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns
Five'll get you ten
I bet you never seen one

Now as you can imagine, I'd grown pretty bitter
Although thats the only way in which I had grown
And in that seventh year I finally found my transgressor
The man who had shrunk me, the worst fiend I'd ever known

The mad Professor Mentley was his name and I drew near
I hopped upon his shoulder and I grabbed him by the ear
I held my little pistols up and I told him lookee here
You made me this way, it's time to pay you gol-darned queer

The professor said wait, wait
Now you know me and I know you
And you know that strange experiments are just what I do
It's less like a passtime and more like a job
Why, if I didn't do it, I'd be an unemployed slob

Now I know that won't suffice and it won't set you at ease
But I'm thinking fast as I can for a man who's down on his knees
And just this passing moment I had a thought, here's what I thunk
Where would you be today if you hadn't gotten shrunk?

Just another nameless cowboy, a mediocre bumpkin
Riding in the sun, skin burnt the color of a pumpkin
Reviled by the ladies, ridiculed by other men
Nothing to set you apart, nor would there ever have been

Then I came along, yes me, Professor Mently
I gave you a gift, though you're ungrateful evidently
I plucked you from your average status, made you unique
You're a seven inch cowboy, not a six foot freak

From every corner of the globe folks will come to adore you
Nations will bow and throw their riches before you
You'll be diminutive in stature but a titan inside
Because I, your true friend, chose to stand by your side

Now I cogitated on the words Professor Mentley shared
And I wondered if perhaps he only said 'em cause he was scared
My guns were weighing heavy in my hands, my heart was low
When suddenly some old advice came to me soft and slow

Well my pop told me it don't matter where a fella goes
You can sail through icy straights and misty archipelagos
Travel to the moon, orbit every star
Size don't really count and there you are
You're still a man however big you are

And I'm a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns
Five'll get you ten
You'll never see another one

I guess Professor Mentley had a point although I shot him anyway
There's never been a gentleman like me and that is safe to say
Well I've thought real long and hard, so hard my brain is numb
Now I say Hollywood, Hollywood
Hollywood here I come