Parade - Knockout Lyrics

Child growing into 20's
Many feelings to never, ever be spoken
Plus I was not observant enough to see if someone was into me
Could be loves?
Wouldn't be
Too frightened to express

Met you briefly at a show
Then and there, I had the most real feeling to have ever experienced
Said goodbye, not to correspond for ages
That night, I genuinely felt you were it
You were it
Too frightened to express
Time does not halt for us
You've got an ocean

News of the Corona virus headed overseas
Didn't think of you as much
Met R
Hangouts before and during lockdown
Could tell she was into me because they asked to f*ck
Something that I haven't had in years
Temporariy moved in with her
Thought less and less about you
Still, to be in the attic of my brain

Loved her very much so
Toxic, toxic love
Real nonetheless
Her ideas of polyamory, not interested
She fooled with others with my loose, unnerving permission
Not strong, nor smart enough to say otherwise
We're in California together
She asks me not to leave her
Real, toxic love
Me, not being much better
She f*cked our roommate because she thought we were over

Came back to Missouri after checking myself into a mental health facility in California
Got some medications to try out
Fragile
Fragile, passionate sex
R and I were not the same anymore
To this day, I don't think of her often

Looking through my attic to find you
Texts here and there
Still cannot read people
But then you sent me a heart, and I knew then, it was a reciprocated feeling
Took you to a play, didn't have the confidence to grab your hands
You took me back to R's when I told you I was staying with a friend
I never told you this

Soon after everything fell apart, I texted you for a place to stay
The aftermath of her and I was heavy and I knew I had to take my chance with you
Either way, not good timing
Heartbreak rules
Never felt before, so much heartbreak
You offered me a room
Tried to give you a form of support
But, given space too
Black robe in the kitchen
Frantic mothers birthday
Given support
But on the nose
I cannot get myself to make a move
R texts to ask if she can come over
I tell her we are through, I am uncomfortable

We watched a movie that I still haven't watched since
One of my favorites

"I don't know, you're made of metal, but you have feelings,
And you think about things, and that means you have a soul. And souls don't die"

"Soul?"

"Mom says it's something inside of all good things, and it goes on forever and ever."

"Souls don't die"

"You stay, I go"

Decided to hold you in front of Shym
Got right back to the house and kissed you right away
I completely changed
Felt happy and confident
We started opening up with one another
"What we talk about when we talk about love
You told me about a boy named Z that didn't work out romantically
Some of your sisters told me they didn't like him
I felt sorry for you because a failed relationship is hurtful
He had just gotten out of a relationship with a girl that had the same name as R

To only want you, monogamous
Good memories
Shower talks, back porch intercourse, early morning rain
Pretty body
Pretty taste
My favorite voice
Went home to take a bath one day because I was sore
You came with me
We fooled around
Water splashing

Bad memories
Sitting at night near your old pool
Thinking of you when you thought I was thinking of her
Skated to my old friends house
You angrily throwing your water bottle in the kitchen and me coming to you
Not giving you space
You and Z talking during Christmas, me getting fragile again
Reassuring me it's nothing
Made you and your family uncomfortable
You, angry
Drove your car home and watched a movie with your family
Don't know why I joined them
Was sad and alone
Plus your mother seemed to be so loving in that moment
"It's A Wonderful Life"
Haven't seen that one since either

Rekindle
Turning to bullet train
We get our own place together
Unsteady employment on my end
Toxic workplace on the plaza
Not getting paid well
Me coming home to a show, so tired
Waited in living room
So much weird happenings there
Green Savage Fenty smoking jacket, never worn
I laughed at your funny face
You, super offended
Raising Rune, unconditional love
A four legged friend
Basically a baby to take care of
More stress
I, irresponsible and fed up with work

Became hard to talk to you about my feelings
Friend had a flat tire, you wanting me home
Me rushing back for you to be angry and tired
Headed back to my friend to see how I could help
I don't remember that next morning
Scared, you love me less and less
Insecure
Instead of trying to find something, it's over

You no longer feel me
I leave, and did love you, just hard in the moment
You, under so much stress with your family
Fake cancer

Trashed apartment, 8/3
Didn't have a bed for months
You begin talking to Z right after
I come by to drop off the keys and give Rune ice cream
I see you leaving with him
Still don't know what he looked like
So hurt
Wanting to kill myself
You dropped my stuff off and I left it all in the apartment foyer
"Big big much", still haven't told a soul about that
Quickly taken
Still have the clothes and art we made, though
Trolley car no longer in possession
A special gift from your grandma

Record, record
Hurt, hurt, hurt
Drinking a lot by myself
Trying to give space
Given space for years
"Our intentions were good, until they were not"

Over the course of our departure, I felt I would get over you, and I did
Then dreams would come
To have experienced this more than a few times
Would f*ck me up for days
To hear your beautiful voice in my dreams
But cannot seem to remember how you sound when awake
Even on days I didn't think about you
Subconscious knows you're on my mind
And tells me this in REM
"Your subconsious knows the truth"

Given space for years
I wished you well a few months ago after dreaming about waking up in your old bed
You weren't around and your family told me to leave
So angry at me
Even more confused as I walk out of the house and see you staring at me through the window
A stoic plant
Woke up, crying and sweaty
"I gave you all I had"
Wasted my energy

During these last few years I had been in a few romantic relationships
Started to realize that it is okay to love more than one person as long as everyone's on the same page
Was a lot of fun
Even got back into contact with my first ever middle school "girlfriend"
We didn't date for more than a week back then
Then started talking to a regular at my old job
She even worked in your aunt's building for a short time
Even got to f*ck people I had been interested in before wanting to marry you
Still, some people I haven't told I like them
Have had a hard time maintaining romantic relationships these past few months
Dreams, debilitating
Relationships severed for now

Lived alone for two years and started to go mad the last six months
With no reliable access to my meds
Moved right down the road from work in November
Had roommates again
Two lovely cats and one lovely dog

Started dreaming of you again
So much sweat on my sheets and blanket
Now having to go back to work in the early morning
Bad, bad mood
Would have to leave sometimes because I would be balling at work
Stopped dreaming of you

Was yet again moving forward
Meds are not working
My doctor doesn't think I'm down enough to try something new
Given more MG's instead
Looking up myths
La Llorna
The cover of the book exhibits a photograph your dad took
Small world, lots of humans
Late February it all came back
Worse than ever
I don't feel sane but at least I do wanna get better before I lose it all
Really lose it all
E-mailed thoughts
To hear you're out of state with Rune and Z
Happy
You now care about me again
Even have my art up on your walls
Was unsure whether or not you'd work it out
I am so proud of you, learned to truly love
Even if it hurts me
You know each other very well
Good eggs

Heartbroken, again
Broken again
So much crying
So much laughter
But still so sad
Got information that I just was not ready for
Was I, or he the rebound?
Did you move on as quick as I think you did?
That doesn't matter

Dreamt of you and him for the first time
Don't know what he looks like
Face kept changing, Scanner Darkly
Sweats, sweats
Terrible morning before work
6:30
Back at Andre's
I now feel like I am left to these remnants
Right near where all of this happened
And you've started anew
I would love to move out of state now
Haven't dreamt of you since

A thought I never even told my therapist, now telling my family for guidance
I secretly had wished we'd get back together down the road
Not a thought that was always in the attic
But it's there
Had to share because you had given the information needed to know that this won't occur
To now stop wishing for you
You were not the one
And I wasted a bit of my life and time thinking about it

I used to not be able to come over around here
Most of the time I still can't listen and watch the things we did
Great material there that I probably won't share with another for a few years

Now I live around here again and don't feel much but numbness at this point
Feels good to be writing this though
The past few days have been me being happy for you two
Even though I had wished you'd ended up with someone new
Thought of you often but now know the answer

Woke up this morning, walked to work and wasn't too sad
Didn't think of you for hours
Then thought about you, writes in journal
Goes home and plays new guitar

After not writing for almost two years, I pick up my guitars, pad, and pen again
I am not free, but will be
Hard to feel happy but at least I am still feeling
Not happy you're with him, then happy
Happy for you two, then not happy for you two
Happy for you two
It's my own problem
Just sad for wasting time
Time to be happy for me

For now, I am a puddle in someone elses memory
Cameras, undeveloped film of us
Been thinking of what to do with them
Great photos, I'm sure
I'll throw them away
Let go of what's already happened
And love another
It hurts but I'll survive it

Walked down 53rd today after hanging at Loose. To really say goodbye this time.
A family came out to play, 34. They're smiling.

I smile, then shed a couple tears
There's another voice out there