Sandshone - The Wartime Lover Lyrics

It's another dull evening in Boone, North Carolina.
It's been eons since I've seen my lover.
He went to fight in the Great War long ago,
And I've had to raise our two sons, Peter and Andrew, all by myself.

Being a single father is demanding these days;
Making dinner, keeping the lights on, driving the boys to school.

According to President Midgett,
The Great War is supposedly nearing an end
But he's been saying that for the last ten years.

The boys have followed their usual routine of going to their rooms after dinner.
I ease into our worn velvet recliner and check Facebook for war updates.

The war began in 2030 when a devilish South American named Esteban Lugak III
And a group of terrorists attacked the White House,
Killing half of the staff and Vice President Crothers.
President Midgett had an important meeting in Miami, Florida,
Discussing the legalization of sharks being outfitted with laser pointers
When the attack occurred.
Vice President Crothers was being shown a demonstration
Of a newly-developed type of medication called P.E.E.N.C.H.,
Which stood for Perfectly Evolved Eradication of Noticeable and Chronic Hemolotosis.

Hemolotosis was a new type of disease that had been formed after a man in Atlanta, Georgia
Tried to pack two tons of chewing tobacco into his mouth.
The government sought to stop it and developed a substance that you could chew
Or "pack" to rid yourself of the disease.
Esteban Lugak, former head of the terrorist group Latyn,
Had seen this as an opportunity to weaken the U.S. and had pounced,
Prompting President Midgett to declare war.
Many young men and women were drafted,
With the acceptable age of enlistment being lowered to sixteen.

My gorgeous husband had promised me and the boys,
Who were only four and five,
That he wouldn't be gone long.
Oh how I missed him.
But, as time went by I began to worry less
And accept the fact he had been shot down or killed.
I told the kids he was returning,
But I think they became aware of the truth as they grew older.
I'd even begun talking to another more lively
And handy kind of man.
But as quickly as I'd brushed the memory of my lover away,
I heard a knocking.

At first, I thought it was merely the bird feeder the boys and I had made
Hitting the window in the wind,
But then I heard it again;
Much more distinct now.
As I stood to answer it,
I heard a strange sound from the TV.
In big black letters over a white background, the text read:

"WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO INFORM YOU ALL
THAT ESTEBAN LUGAK HAS BEEN KILLED
AND THE P.E.E.N.C.H. HAS BEEN SAFELY RETURNED TO THE GOVERNMENT!
THE WAR IS OVER! GOD BLESS AMERICA!"

The national anthem began to play
As I heard the knocking once again.
Peter and Andrew entered the living room,
Asking who was at the door.
Then we all looked at each other
And all three of us ran!
Flinging the door open, we looked outside;
Standing in his uniform with a bouquet of roses
Stood my lover.

A scream loud enough to make Robert Plant jealous
Was released from me as I embraced him.
His curly blond hair had been shaven,
But was beginning to grow back.
His face looked the same,
With a faint scar on his chin.
His perplexing blue eyes welcomed me into his arms warmly.
As I cried and sobbed, he whispered something.

"I told you we'd get the P.E.E.N.C.H. back," he said.

Peter and Andrew rushed to him as he pulled out two presents:
A small blowgun and a monstrous tooth he had found in the jungle.
The kids were up until midnight while he relayed many stories and tales.

After they had fallen asleep,
We put them to bed and went and laid down for the first time in a decade.
I rolled over, expecting to see him looking back at me
But he had already fallen asleep,
His calm breathing breaking the silence in our bedroom.
As I drifted off to sleep,
I thought of how lucky and privileged I was
To be the husband of Mike Phillips.

What the f*ck?