Sondheim on Sondheim - Franklin Shepard Inc Lyrics

How did you get here from there, Mr. Shepard?
If you can look back, you can see ...
Which is the moment and where, Mr. Shepard?
Nineteen seventy-three ...
Franklin Shepard, Inc.
I know our audience would love to hear how you two work together.

Sure.
(leaping to his feet, over to the piano)
He goes —
("plays" an arpeggio elaborately)
And I go —
("types" in the same fashion)
And soon we're humming along —
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm —
And that's called writing a song —
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm —
Then he goes —
(makes an arpeggio motion)
And I go —
(makes a typing motion)
And the phone goes drrrring!
And he goes —
(mimicking Frank's intense business calls into an imaginary phone)
"Mutter mutter mutter mutter yes, Jeromoe,
Mutter no, Jerome,
Mutter mutter mutter mutter — "
(to Jeffrey)
— That's his lawyer, Jerome —
(into phone)
"Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter do it, Jerome ... "
(hangs up, making a clicking sound, turns back to himself)
"Sorry, Charley ... "
(makes the arpeggio)
So I go —
(types)
And he goes —
(arpeggion)
And I go —
(types)
And soon we're tapping away —
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm —
(mimicking an intercom)
Bzzz!
"Sorry, Charley ... "
Bzzz!
(to Jeffrey)
— It's the secretary —
Bzzz!
— On the intercom —
(as Frank)
"Yes, Miss Bzzz ... "
(as the secretary)
"It's a messenger ... "
(as Frank)
"Thanks, Miss Bzzz,
Will you tell him to wait?
Will you order the car?
Will you call up the bank?
Will you wire the coast?
Will you — "
Drrrrrring!
"Sorry, Charley — "
(into phone again)
"Mutter mutter mutter mutter sell the stock
Mutter buy the rights
Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter — "
Bzzz!
"Let me put you on hold ... "
Bzzz!
"Yes, Miss Bzzz ... "
"It's the interview ... "
"Thanks, Miss Bizz,
Will you tell him to wait?
Will you wire the car?
Will you order the coast?
Will you send up the bank? ... "
And the telephones blink
And the stocks get sold
And the rest of us he keeps on hold,
And he's gonna start producing.
And he's now a corporation.
Right?

And I play at home
With my wife and kids
And I wait to hear the movie bids,
And I've got a little sailboat.
And I'm into meditation.
Right?

He flies off to California.
I discuss him with my shrink.
That's the story of the way we work,
Me and Franklin Shepard, Inc.

Oh. Well, when you do work together, which comes first generally — the words or the music?
Generally, the contract.
It sounds like you think making money is a bad thing for an artist.

Money?
Did I say money?
No, I like money a lot —
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm —
I mean, it's better than not —
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm —
But when it's —
(grunts hungrily)
Money ...
(again)
Money ...
When you're into —
(snorts)
Money ...
And you should be —
(plays an arpeggio)

Listen, he does the money thing very well, but you know what?
Other people do it better. And he does the music thing very
well. And you know what? No one does it better.

Still the telephones blink
And the buzzers buzz
And I really don't know what he does,
But he makes a ton of money,
And a lot of it for me —
Right?

So I think "Okay,"
And I start a play,
And he somehow knows,
'Cause right away
It's drrrring!
(as Frank, into the phone)
"Hiya, buddy,
Wanna write a show?
Got a great idea,
We'll own all the rights
With a two-week out
And a turnaround
On the guarantee
Plus a gross percent
Of the billing clause — "

And there I am in California
Talking deals and turning pink,
Back in business and I mean just that,
Back with Franklin Shepard, Inc.

Very sneaky how it happens,
Much more sneaky than you think.
Start with nothing but a song to sing,
Next you're Franklin Shepard —

Wait, could we wait a minute here because I'm getting in too deep.
The thing, you see, is we're not that kind of close any more,
the way we used to be. And a friendship's like a garden.
You have to water it and tend it and care about it. And you know what?
I want it back. Look —

Nothing permanent has happened,
Just a temporary kink.
Friendship's something you don't really lose ...
Very sneaky how it happens,
Every day you're on the brink.
First the prizes, then the interviews —
(looks up at the studio, realizes where he is)
Oh, my God, I think it's happened,
Stop me quick before I sink.
One more triumph that I can't refuse —
(to camera)
In case you didn't notice, this is my first time on TV — and my last.
(to Jeffrey)
No, here's the point, whatever happens —
Then we'll all go have a drink —
(gesturing in Frank's direction)
That's the guy I love, the fella who's
Inside
(into phone)
"Mutter mutter mutter mutter quick, Jerome,
Get the president,
There's a crazy man
On my TV screen ... "
Inside —
Bzzz! Bzzz! Drrring! —
Inside
Franklin Shepard —
(to camera)
Write him care of any bank, U.S.A. —
(to Frank)
Inc.