Will Chase, Rachel Stern, Caren Lyn Manuel, Emily Sallow - Desert Island Top 5 Break-Ups Lyrics

Rob:
Oh God how did it come to this?
Oh Laura, Laura what did I miss?
Did you really just walk out the door?
Can it be that you don't love me anymore?
Bet you think I"m gona panic
Get all sad and weird and manic
But if you want to see me suffer more
Then you should have got to me before
Oh Laura, Laura... I pity you.
Cause I've had a life of heartache you can never live up to!

My Desert Island All-Time Top 5 Breakups--in chronologicals order: Number one-Allison Ashworth! Two-Penny Hardwick!
Three-Charlie Nicholson! Four-Sarah Kendrew! And number five-Jackie Allen!

Do you notice anything in particular about the list, Laura?

Exes:
Yeah, do you?

Rob:
These are the ones that tore my heart out
These are the ones that ate me alive
You might squeeze into the top ten, Laura

Exes:
But you're nowhere near the top five!

Rob:
These are the girls who got in early
Scarred me for life, I have no doubt:

All:
But you're too late now
You don't rate that
Kind of hurt, that kind of clout.

Rob:
Oh Laura, Laura, you'll be missed.
But sweet sweet Laura...you
Don't even make the list!

Exes:
This is nothing personal, please
Don't kick yourself or wonder why

Rob:
The simple fact is that we're too old Laura
To really make each other cry.

All:
Those days are gone and I'm thankful
We can skip the drama and the pain
Here, take my car, there's a tankful
I won't lose myself or go insane!

Rob:
Oh Laura, Laura, has your love died?
Cause if you leave me Laura
I...can smoke inside!

Cause losing you is like having no cash,
It's like having a cold in the middle of summer.
Losing you is a sold-out movie:
No big deal, just kind of a bummer.

All:
It's a pizza dream,
An ice cream headache
That you know will soon be gone.
Five minutes of pain,
then you move on...
You move on!

Alison:
Cause you know, you're not really offering--

Alison & Sarah:
him anything new here.

Alison, Sarah & Penny:
If you wanna force your way

Alison, Sarah, Penny & Jackie:
onto the list, Laura,

Exes: (add Charlie)
You'll have to do a lot better than this!

All:
So bye bye Laura
Nice try Laura
You came far Laura,
Close but no cigar!

Rob:
You can't shame me like Alison!
Betray me like Penny!
Or disrupt my life like Jackie!
Or crush me like Charlie!
And I'm stronger than when Sarah left!
Gloomy, sure, but not bereft!

All:
And though I see a trend here
I am nowhere near the end here!

You do not represent
My last best change
At a meaningful relationship
And let me give you one last tip!

Laura:
Hey, I forgot my toiletry bag.

Rob:
Laura, listen, we're just being stupid. Let's just order in tonight and sort this out.

Laura:
...Goodbye, Rob. Take care of yourself.

Rob:
My Desert Island All-Time
Top 5 Breakups.
My five-star humiliations,
Soul quaking shake-ups.
Oh Laura, Laura, you'll be missed.
But sweet sweet Laura, you,

All:
You, you, you, you!

Rob:
...don't even make the list.