Weird Al Yankovic - Mandatory Fun Album Lyrics

First things first, I'm a craftsman (craftsman)
Remodelling is my only passion (it's my passion)
And I'm the greatest in the business
Want referrals, yo
My clientèle will bear you witness (right, right)
I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?)
There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah)
I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks
Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks)
Where you go when your disposal is rusted (rusted)
Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck)
When your front window is busted (hey, hey, hey)
Just one name that's always trusted

I'm so handy, you already know
I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets overflow
I'm so handy, I'll bring you up to code
When your dishwasher's about to explode

Now you see that your furnace is needing some service
I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous
Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica
Maybe I'll hook up your dish washer combo dryer
But all your pipes are antique
Your water pressure's too weak
You got an attic full of dry rot
Because your roof sprung a leak
Your fridge is starting to reek
Your hardwood floors really squeak
But don't you worry I'll just show you my amazing technique
Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that
Any random chore you got, well I can do that, do that
Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun
I got 99 problems but a switch ain't one

I'm so handy, everyone says so
I'll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio
I'm so handy, I'm the guy to know
When your leaf blower doesn't blow-oh-oh-oh

Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn
Make that phone call, I'll install anything you want
Yeah, check my big staple gun, my socket wrenches are second to none
I won't quit 'til I'm done, don't even care if I hammer my thumb (ow)

Still rocking my screwdriver
Got the whole world thinking I'm MacGyver
Your heating bills are shocking
I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking
Your house is a disaster, huh?
Need a guy whose a master with the plaster, huh?
Let me be your stripper
Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker

I'm so handy, you already know
I'll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low
I'm so handy, you should call this pro
I'm in the phone book and se habla español

One time I was in the checkout line
Behind Steven Seagal
Once I'm pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill
Was in the very next bathroom stall
My best friend's brother
Well, he was an extra in Wayne's World 2
My neighbour's baby sitter
Dated three of the guys in Motley Crue
I swear Jack Nicholson
Looked right at me at a Laker's game

I got a lame
Lame claim to fame

Check it out, I bought a second hand toaster
From a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt
I got me an email from the prince of Nigeria
Well, he sure sounded legit
My sister used to take piano lessons
From the second cousin of Ralph Nader
Last year I threw up in an elevator
Next to Christian Slater
Well guess what, my birthday and Kim Kardashian's
Are exactly the same

I got a lame
Lame claim to fame
A really lame
Lame claim to fame

Once at a party, my dentist accidentally
Sneezed on Russell Crowe
I posted first in the comments
On a YouTube video
I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi
But he told me this seat's taken
I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy
Who know a guy who knows a guy who know Kevin Bacon

I had a car that used to belong
To Cuba Gooding Jr.'s uncle
A friend of mine in high school
Had jury duty with Art Garfunkel
One time I was staying in the same hotel
As Zooey Deschanel
I used the same napkin dispenser
As Steve Carell at a Taco Bell
Well I don't mean to brag but
Paul Giamatti's plumber knows me by name

I got a lame
Lame claim to fame
A really lame
Lame claim to fame
I'm talking lame
Lame claim to fame
A really really really lame
Lame claim to fame

Ow, let's get lame boys

I never seem to finish all my food
So I always gets doggy bag from the waiter
So I just keep what's still unchewed
And I take it home, save it for later

But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation
Microbes, enzymes, mould and oxidation
I don't care, I've got a secret trick up my sleeve
I never bother with baggies, glass jars, tupperware containers
Plastic cling wrap, really a no-brainer
I just like to keep all my flavours sealed in tight

With aluminum foil (foil)
Never settle for less
That kind of wrap is just the best
To keep your sandwich nice and fresh
Stick it in your cooler (cooler)
Eat it when you're ready
But maybe you'll choose (you'll choose, you'll choose, you'll choose)
A refreshing herbal tea

Mmm, lovely!

Oh, by the way, I've cracked the code
I've figured out these shadow organizations
And the Illuminati know
That they're finally primed for world domination

And soon you've got black helicopters comin' cross the border
Puppet masters for the New World Order
Be aware: there's always someone that's watching you
And still the government won't admit they faked the whole moon landing
Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning
Don't mind that, I'm protected cause I made this hat

From aluminum foil (foil)
Wear a hat that's foil lined
In case an alien's inclined
To probe your butt or read your mind
Looks a bit peculiar ('culiar)
Seems a little crazy
But someday I'll prove (I'll prove, I'll prove, I'll prove)
There's a big conspiracy

Your sports team is vastly inferior
That simple fact is plainly obvious to see
We're gonna kick your collective posterior
Of course you realize we're speaking figuratively
Our stats are thoroughly impressive
Our coach really has the Midas touch
Our players are fast and strong and brave
And your guys, eh, not so much

In fact we've played teams across the nation
And you're the worst one we've come across
Try to assimilate that information
And it just might help you cope with your impending loss
Oh, and if somehow we are still failing
To affectively articulate the points at hand
Allow us now to summarize them in a manner
That your feeble brains can understand

We're great (we're great)
And you suck (you suck)
We're great (we're great)
And you suck (you suck)
We're great (we're great)
And you suck (you suck)
You see there's us (we're great)
And then there's you (you suck)
We're really, really great (really great)
In contrast, you really suck (really suck)
Okay, full disclosure, we're not that great
But nevertheless, you suck

Your sports team will soon suffer swift defeat
That theory's backed up by empirical evidence
We're gonna grind up your guys into burger meat
Again, of course, we're speaking in the figurative sense
What's the use of even going through the motions
When you know that you're gonna lose anyhow
So why don't you save us all some time
And give up now (you suck!)

Everybody shut up, woo!
Everyone listen up!
Hey, hey, hey, uh
Hey, hey, hey

If you can't write in the proper way
If you don't know how to conjugate
Maybe you flunked that class
And maybe now you find
That people mock you online

Okay, now here's the deal
I'll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize
You with the nomenclature
You'll learn the definitions
Of nouns and prepositions
Literacy's your mission
And that's why I think it's a

Good time
To learn some grammar
Now, did I stammer
Work on that grammar
You should know when
It's "less" or it's "fewer"
Like people who were
Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes
Like I could care less
That means you do care
At least a little
Don't be a moron
You'd better slow down
And use the right pronoun
Show the world you're no clown
Everybody wise up!

Say you got an "I","T"
Followed by apostrophe, "s"
Now what does that mean?
You would not use "it's" in this case
As a possessive
It's a contraction
What's a contraction?
Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words
By the omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here's some notes
Syntax you're always mangling
No "x" in "espresso"
Your participle's danglin'
But I don't want your drama
If you really wanna
Leave out that Oxford comma
Just keep in mind

That "be", "see", "are", "you"
Are words, not letters
Get it together
Use your spellchecker
You should never
Write words using numbers
Unless you're seven
Or your name is Prince

I hate these word crimes
You really need a
Full time proofreader
You dumb mouth-breather
Well, you should hire
Some cunning linguist
To help you distinguish
What is proper English

One thing I ask of you
Time to learn your homophones is past due
Learn to diagram a sentence too
Always say "to whom"
Don't ever say "to who"
And listen up when I tell you this
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
You finished second grade
I hope you can tell
If you're doing good or doing well
About better figure out the difference
Irony is not coincidence
And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull
What's figurative and what's literal
Oh but, just now, you said
You literally couldn't get out of bed
That really makes me want to literally
Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail
It's quite apparent
Your grammar's errant
You're incoherent
Saw your blog post
It's really fantastic
That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!)
'Cause you write like a spastic

I hate these Word Crimes
Your prose is dopey
Think you should only
Write in emoji
Oh, you're a lost cause
Go back to pre-school
Get out of the gene pool
Try your best to not drool

Never mind I give up
Really now I give up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Go away!

I saw a baby drive a truck
I saw a junkie eat a tuba
I saw a stripper kiss a duck
Behind a dumpster in Aruba

I saw this fat, psychotic guy
His underwear was made of crickets
He pawned a skeleton to buy
Some old expired lotto tickets

I saw a naked vagrant giving
Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his cat
I probably could have gone my whole life
Without seeing that

With my own eyes
I see things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes

I saw a mime get hacked to death
With an imaginary cleaver
I saw an old man's final breath
I watched him die from Bieber Fever
I saw these diabetic chicks
In an abandoned 7-Eleven
I watched them snorting pixie sticks
While they were belching Stairway To Heaven

I saw two drag queens trying to see how many crackers
They could shove up each other's nose
I'd like to erase my mind completely but I suppose
That's just the way it goes

With my own eyes
I see things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes (my own eyes)
Those visions haunt my memory
Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee
With my own eyes

Some priest got drunk and stole a circus zebra
And he trained it to massage his back
My guinea pig committed hara-kiri
So we used him to play hacky-sack
My neighbor's kids sold weapons grade plutonium
And frosty ice-cold lemonade
They took MasterCard and sometimes
Human organs in trade, that's how we paid
I have to say that it was really darn good lemonade

With my own eyes
I've seen thing that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes (my own eyes)
Those visions haunt my memory
Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee
With my own eyes
With my own eyes
With my own eyes
With my own eyes

[Wrecking Ball:]
We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you wreck me

[Pumped Up Kicks:]
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run faster than my bullet

[Best Song Ever:]
And we danced all night to the best song ever
We knew every line, now I can't remember
I think it went ooh eh ooh
I think it went oohla eh ooh
I think it goes eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

[Gangnam Style:]
Eh, sexy lady
Po, po, po, po
Polka Gangnam Style
Eh, sexy lady
Po, po, po, po
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

[Call Me Maybe:]
Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here's my number
So call me, maybe
And all the other boys
Try to chase me
But here's my number
So call me, maybe

[Scream & Shout:]
I wanna scream and shout (hey!)
And let it all out
And scream and shout (hey!)
And let it out
We sayin', "Ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh"
We sayin', "Ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh wee ohh, wee oh wee oh"

[Somebody That I Used to Know:]
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Timber:]
It's going down (hey!), I'm yelling timber
You better move, you better dance
Let's make a night you won't remember
I'll be the one you won't forget
(Timber! Timber!)

[Sexy and I Know It:]
I'm sexy and I know it
Girl look at that body
(He's sexy and he knows it)

[Thrift Shop:]
I wear your grandad's clothes
I look incredible
I'm in this big old coat
From that thrift shop down the road

(He's wears your grandad's clothes) That's right!
(He looks incredible) I do!
(He's in that big old coat) It's large! Hey, lets go!
(From that thrift shop down the road)

I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I'm hunting, looking for a come-up
This is super awesome

[Get Lucky:]
She's up all night til the sun
I'm up all night to get some
She's up all night for good fun
I'm up all night to get lucky

We're up all night til the sun
We're up all night to get some
We're up all night for good fun
We're up all night to get lucky

We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
Up all night to get lucky

[Outro:]
Yes, we're up all night to get
Can get lucky, we're gonna get lucky, let's all get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky! (Hey!)

We must all efficiently
Operationalize our strategies
Invest in world-class technology
And leverage our core competencies
In order to holistically administrate
Exceptional synergy
We'll set a brand trajectory
Using management's philosophy
Advance our market share vis-à-vis
Our proven methodology
With strong commitment to quality
Effectively enhancing corporate synergy
Transitioning our company
By awareness of functionality
Promoting viability
Providing our supply chain with diversity (versity, ooooh)
We will distill our identity
Through client-centric solutions
And synergy (Oooooh oooh oooh)

At the end of the day (At the end of the day)
We must monetize our assets
The fundamentals of change
Can you visualize a value-added experience?
That will grow the business infrastructure and
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets

Bringing to the table
Our capitalized reputation
Proactively overseeing
Day-to-day operations
Services and deliverables
With cross-platform innovation
Networking, soon will bring, seamless integration
Robust and scalable, bleeding-edge and next-generation
Best of breed
We'll succeed
In achieving globalization

And gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace
It's mission-critical to stay incentivized
Against this purple-poster-flexible-solutions for our customer base
If you can't think outside the box
You'll be downsized
It's a paradigm shift! (Hey, Hey! Look out!)
Well, it's a paradigm shift, now!
(Here we go! Here we go! Here we come! Here we come! Ha!)

I'm waking up in Cheeto dust
My belly's covered with pizza crust
I'm using my inhaler now
I'm out of shape, fattening up
I'm sipping Coke from a solo cup
Donut crumbs are upon my lips, whoa

The TV's on, I really hate this show
I can't reach my remote control
Welcome to my new place, to my new place
Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place
I'm really inactive, I'm so inactive
I'm really inactive, highly inactive

My muscle's gone, I'm atrophied
Always lose my fight with gravity
I rest my bones, and just chillax
My nordictrack's collecting dust
And my stairmaster's a pile of rust
This is it, the inertia

I can't get up, this couch is part of me
I'm growing cobwebs on my knee
Pretty sad for my age, sad for my age
I could read my rib cage, here is my age
I'm really inactive, yes, quite inactive
I'm really inactive, not very active

Near comatose, no exercise
Don't tag my toe, I'm still alive

I'm giving up, my energy is shot.
I'm never moving from this spot
Never move from this place, move from this place
I'll stay here in this place, right in this place
I'm really inactive, just so inactive
I'm really inactive, not so attractive

My maid is cleaning the bathroom, so I can't take a shower
When I do, the water starts getting cold after an hour
I couldn't order off the breakfast menu, cause I slept in till two
Then I filled up on bread, didn't leave any room for tiramisu
Oh no, there's a pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen
I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine
Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what!? Don't they know how to text? OMG!
I got

First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems

I bought too many groceries for my refrigerator
Forgot my gardener's name, I'll have to ask him later
Tried to fast forward commercials, can't, I'm watching live T.V
I'm pretty sure the cookies in this airport lounge ain't gluten free
My barista didn't even bother to make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte

First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems

Can't remember which car I drove to the mall
My Sonicare won't recharge, now I gotta brush my teeth like a neanderathal
The thread count on these cotton sheets has got me itching
My house is so big, I can't get WiFi in the kitchen
Uh, I had to buy something I didn't even need just
So I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon

First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)

First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems

It might seem crazy, wearing stripes and plaid
I Instagram every meal I've had
All my used liquor bottles are on display
We can go to see a show but I'll make you pay

(Because I'm tacky)
Wear my belt with suspenders and sandals with my socks
(Because I'm tacky)
Got some new glitter Uggs and lovely pink sequined Crocs
(Because I'm tacky)
Never let you forget some favor I did for you
(Because I'm tacky)
If you're okay with that, then, you might just be tacky, too

I meet some chick, ask her this and that
Like 'Are you pregnant girl, or just really fat?' (what?)
Well, now I'm dropping names almost constantly
That's what Kanye West keeps telling me, here's why

(Because I'm tacky)
Wear my Ed Hardy shirt with fluorescent orange pants
(Because I'm tacky)
Got my new resume it's printed in Comic Sans
(Because I'm tacky)
Think it's fun threatening waiters with a bad Yelp review
(Because I'm tacky)
If you think that's just fine, then, you're probably tacky, too

Bring me shame, can't nothing
Bring me shame, I never know why
Bring me shame, can't nothing
Bring me shame, I said
Bring me shame, can't nothing
Bring me shame, it's pointless to try
Bring me shame, can't nothing
Bring me shame, I said

(Because I'm tacky)
43 Bumper Stickers and a YOLO license plate
(Because I'm tacky)
Bring along my coupon book whenever I'm on a date
(Because I'm tacky)
Practice my twerking moves in line at the DMV
(Because I'm tacky)
Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints. Hey, it said they're free
(Because I'm tacky)
I get drunk at the bank
And take off my shirt, at least
(Because I'm tacky)
I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased
(Because I'm tacky)
If I'm bit by a zombie, I'm probably not telling you
(Because I'm tacky)
If you don't think that's bad, guess what, then you're tacky, too

Tuesday morning, 8:15
I was riding to work on the
Jackson Park Express
Seemed like any other day
Then my whole world changed
In a way I never could have guessed
'Cause she walked in
Took the seat right across the aisle
I knew we had a special connection
The second I saw her smile

She smiled as if to say
"Hello, haven't seen you on this bus before"
I gave her a look that said
"Huh, life is funny, you never know what's in store
By the way, your hair is beautiful
I bet it smells like raisins"

She looked at me in a way that asked
"Did you have a nose job or something?
I'm only asking, cause your nose looks slightly better
Than the rest of your face"
I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly
Which was my way of asking
"Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer?
It still works, kinda
And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left"

Then, she let out a long sigh
Which, I took to mean, "Uh"
"Mama, what is that deodorant you're wearing?
It's intoxicating
Why don't we drive out to the country sometime?
And collect deer ticks in a zip-lock baggie", oh yeah

I gave her a penetrating stare
Which could only mean
"You are my answer, my answer to everything
Which is why, I'll probably do very poorly
On the written part of my driver's test"

Yes, it all happened
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express

I knew she was starting to fall for me
'Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant
"Baby, lets wear each other's clothes
And speak in a thick German accent
And, maybe someday we can own and operate
Our own mobile pet-grooming service"
I couldn't hold back my feelings
I gave her a look, that said
"I would make any sacrifice for your love
Goat, chicken, whatever
I could never hold you close enough
Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together
Oh, surgically grafted together"

She picked up a newspaper, and started reading to herself
Which I'm sure, was a way of telling me
"When you're cold, I will warm you
When you're shivering, I will hold you
When your nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour
For as long as the symptoms persist"
Oh, I, I never, ever want to see you cry
So, please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder
Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second
In a way that clearly implied
"I like your boobs"

Yes, it all happened
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express

I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away
And I'm sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say
I was trying to say, "Hey
I'd like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells
That you slough off while you sleep at night"
Whoa-o-Oh, "I'd like to rip you wide open
And french-kiss every single one of your internal organs
Oh, I'd like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin
But not in a creepy way"

Then, I'm pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye
And, though, she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard
She was saying, "Oh!
I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon
I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight
Until the staff at Sea World kicks us out
I want you inside me, oh, like a tapeworm"

I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating
"Hey, I think you got something on the side of your mouth"
She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say
"Here?", I nodded, implying, "Yeah, you got it"

And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly
"Where are you going?", pleaded my eyes, "Baby, don't you do this to me
Think of the beautiful children we could have someday
We could school them at home, raise them up the right way
And protect them from the evils of the world
Like Trigonometry and Prime Numbers, oh no
Baby, please don't go"

She brushed my leg, as she left the bus
I'm sure that was her way of saying
"I'm sorry this just isn't working out
You're suffocating me
I need some space to find out what life's all about
So, goodbye forever, my love"

And deep inside, I knew she was right
It was time for us both to move on
And no, I never got her number, oh no no
She never bothered to leave her address, oh
But, as long as I live, I'll never forget
Those precious moments we shared together

On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express